Embracing Weakness

Dearest Lord,

I want to thank you for breath and life today. This October has been such a hard month - one of the most difficult seasons of my life. As you well know, the past six months have been strenuous due to my health, and it has taken me until now to find the strength to write about it. Poor immunity and has worn down my body to the point that fatigue is my only constant, and when my migraines attack, I have hurt to the point that death seemed like my only option of relief. Daily headaches and the fog that accompanies them combined with everything else has led me captive into a depression that has taken over my mind like nothing else ever has before. I feel irritable towards people, even the people I love most. I am needy and never satisfied. I have wanted to talk to you, but I didn’t want to feel the distance that was between us. I've wanted to listen to you, but I've been too afraid of what I would hear. I've been afraid to hear you say, “No” to my plea for the restoration of my body. As I write this, I know that words cannot do justice to how I’ve felt these past few months, but to put it simply, you alone know that I’ve never been so low and I am fully aware there is no quick solution.

But today, I want to praise you for being so faithful to me through it all. Being sick has humbled me in ways you knew nothing else could, and for that, I am thankful. As you empty me, I realize more and more that I just don’t have anything to offer except for what you give me to give back to you and others. If I had it my way, I would choose to feel strong again—to feel capable of enduring hard things and carrying heavy responsibilities, but then, I know I would rely on myself and would risk getting the glory that you alone deserve. But here in surrender, I am in awe of how awesome you are and how lifeless I am without you. I am finally at a point where I am embracing weakness so that your power may be made perfect as your grace suffices all my shortcomings.
I have stopped asking you to take away the pain…I have asked you more than enough for that request to be fulfilled, and I have no doubt that you are capable of accomplishing it if you so desire. I realize that for whatever reason, this pain serves a purpose right now in my life, and it has to be a good purpose since you work all things for good for those who are your children. Now, I make a new intercession: that you not let any of my sufferings be in vain. I ask that you use every ounce of struggle to bring me into a closer understanding of who your Son is and what He went through for me, and I pray you use my weaknesses to encourage others who are also traversing the valley of shadows.

Ever since I went to see Dr. Vaughan in Greensboro, I have been improving slowly, and I praise you for Bill & Anna Villanueva’s loving willingness to help me see good health again. The medicine seems to be treating my GI symptoms of constant diarrhea and nausea, and now that I'm absorbing some nutrition, my headaches are improving as well. I can tell I still have a long way to go, but my mood and mind are improving, and for that, I praise you. I feel like I am more myself today, and hopefully I will be able to serve my students at Faith Christian School and my husband David more as my daily tasks become less and less daunting.

I don’t know what my future holds, but I trust you. For the first time, I am able to say that I know you will give me what I need to do what you want me to do, even if my health is poor in my eyes and in the eyes of others. I pray that you will use all the information and difficulties I’ve encountered through homeopathic, chiropractic, osteopathic, allopathic and integrative medicine to best serve others in my medical career to come.

You came for the sick. I feel quite at home in that. Spiritually and physically, you came for me.

I love you,
Jana