Tension

Wow, I definitely should have written before now; it has been quite the month. Starting with the most recent tragedy, David Wrenn, a young, healthy man and runner at our church in Ramseur went home to be with the Lord on Wednesday, leaving his wife Mary Pat and his three children to mourn. Death is a humbling thing; David and I just sat on the back porch stairs and shed tears over what their family is experiencing.

We also talked about how short and fragile life is and how to live really is to love Christ and to die is gain. Every day is our chance to love others well and to tell them about Christ. We cannot wait until we become doctors to minister to the world. We have to do it now. We are not promised to live through med school or that Christ will tarry his coming that long.

All we have are the people God places in front of us now. Presently, that consists of one another, our church family, our community and our students at Faith Christian School. In the fall, and for the next 4 years, it will be our class at VCOM. I printed out their faces—I am urged to pray for them often.

After Mr. Wrenn’s sudden passing, my mind began to rage with questions and doubts about whether or not medical school is really God’s best for my life. I was trying to finish up some last minute scholarship applications, but my heart was very troubled.

Over the course of this first year of marriage, I’ve really had a change of heart about the future. I’ve never been one to desire motherhood. Whether that's because I have had gynecological issues that threaten infertility, or whether that's because my personality has always been more career-focused, I'm note sure. Nevertheless, I am entertaining thoughts about being a mom for the first time in my life, and I want the margin to be a good one. I don't know if I'll have biological children or if they will be my kids through adoption, I want to be present and involved, and it's hard for me to imagine that at a doctor. I wish I at least knew of a female doctor who is currently doing this well. I have so many questions.

One night I couldn’t sleep, and neither could David, so I told him about what was on my heart.  He said that no matter what happens, he would be okay with what I chose to do—if I wanted to go to PA school or nursing school in order to start a family, he said he would support me. But if I wanted to do med school, he said by all means, we'd do it together.

Ultimately, I just want to do what God wants. I am trying to just be still and listen to him instead of all the other voices—my mom says I will regret it for the rest of my life if I don’t go to med school. My dad says he’d rather me not go to med school and just focus on jobs that would have more flexibility. David sees how God can use either path for His glory, and so do I. No path seems completely right. Perhaps there isn't necessarily a "right" path.

After much prayer, I feel like I am supposed to continue on the path I am on. I remember my junior year, God gave me a peace during my transition from being set on PA school to choosing med school. That peace included God's promise to one day show me how to be able to balance family and medicine. He gave me that peace then; I have to choose to rest in that same peace now.

Every since I got over pneumonia and got off my birth control this past month after taking it for 11 years, I feel like my health is gradually improving. My body has more energy and my mind is clearer, and for the first time in months, I feel like I can actually do med school this fall. I have nothing but praises for God. David says he can see it too. I am being restored. I really was starting to think it would not happen, but I feel like His grace is renewing me once again for the Call I received so long ago.

We took the middle school on a field trip to New Bern, NC to visit the Tryon Palace, Fort Macon and the beach yesterday. On the way back, one of my 6th grade students had a headache. I felt such compassion for her, and I took her into my lap on a pillow and rubbed her hair to help her go to sleep on the way home. I prayed and prayed for her, and I was so glad to watch the headache subside. In that moment, I actually did the strangest thing - I praised God for my headaches, not because I want them, but because they have given me a compassion for others who suffer.

I am very excited about going to Bristol, TN for the CMDA interview with David in 6 days! If he receives that scholarship, wow, what an adventure we will knowingly have entered. We also hope to receive wisdom from the people we meet there about what it will be like for us both to become physicians & how that will affect family and so forth.

I cannot believe there are only 10 days left of teaching. Then the summer! This summer will fly by I think. We have the trip to the Outer Banks, Julie’s Wedding, the McKee reunion, Tim’s wedding, Nikola coming in, our move to VA and whatever else we stuff in there. I also need to choose a health care provider for med school by June 12th.

Our anniversary is Monday—one whole year. I am looking forward to journaling about our first and ever so crazy year of marriage. We hope to go camping soon to celebrate and to visit Sea Grove for our first pottery piece. I am convinced I have the best husband in the world.