A Symphony of Blase

I’m not sure that I could feel more blasé. I’ve been sick for a week with strep and some sinus viral ninja that refuses to let me return to normalcy, no matter how much I try. But really, the last 3 weeks as a whole have felt so melancholic, and I can’t seem to pinpoint why. I do miss David, who is definitely preoccupied with studying for the infamous Boards exam, and I completely understand that. But I still miss him. We are celebrating our three year anniversary this week; it’s strange how such amazing gifts and undeserved blessings can become familiar and common. Marriage is like that. David is the love of my life, a man I desired to have and hold for three years during college without much hope of it ever becoming a reality, and now, I’m celebrating 3 yrs as his wife, and it feels surprisingly ordinary. I have an amazing husband who loves me and cares for me daily. It’s just a testament to how we were made for a greater romance, the one with the true Bridegroom. I long for Him, and I long for the way things were meant to be, not just in the world around me, but in my own internal world. Don’t we all?

The thing is, generally I can peg my dissatisfaction on something not going right in my life or on something that I don’t have, that if only I obtained it, I would be happy. But right now, in this season of my life, if I’m honest with myself, God has not withheld any blessing from me. I’m pregnant with a seemingly healthy little baby boy, I have the best husband in the world, a loving family and family-in-law, lots of great friends here and abroad, my material needs are all met, and I’m healthy (besides the temporary bug I’m fighting)…the list could go on and on. I’m so blessed on every side. But I still feel sad or empty or lacking in some way. Why are the greatest moments of life on this earth still devoid of enough-ness?

I’m getting older day by day, and the beauty of my youth is fading before I ever fully saw the beauty I hoped I’d see in myself and enjoyed it. Life goes on just as it always has since the beginning of time, cycle upon cycle of life and death, joys and sorrows, pain and relief. We all go to such great lengths to just feel like everything is okay, or that at least it will be really soon. For me, I know that one day, everything will be okay. I have that hope in Christ,the vision and longing for the new heaven and earth that God has promised to those who are his children, which is what I am by grace alone and no merit in myself. But why don’t I go out and proclaim this truth to the world daily with great joy! Why do I instead retreat to a blanket and a cup of tea or spending time with people who are easy and make me feel at home with myself? Why after encountering the love of the King of Glory do I still err on selfishness more times than not? How long oh Lord will you wait to make it all right?

I get chills when I read the words of God that offer promises of things like “restoration,” “new wine,” “redemption,” and “new life.” I know deep down that when I look forward to little things like the next fun event, fulfilling accomplishment, encouraging accolade, material purchase, hot meal, life change, new start, crazy adventure, or time with people I love, I’m really just finding the motivation to keep walking this lonely journey through earth. But each of those motivational moments passes by and fades, leaving me empty again wanting more. It’s only the words of God that help me care about this life and what it means.

I’m so messed up. So inconsistent. And hypocritical. Stubborn. Great at and willing to justify my actions and quick to judge the actions of others. I self-protect & manipulate. I’m like a wave tossed by the wind at times; I am often the man who looks in the mirror and then forgets his reflection as soon as he walks away. Am I being too hard on myself? Never. These things are true about me. They are my vices, and that's not all of them, folks. I know that I know my sin better than anyone, and that’s only because the Holy Spirit refuses to let me walk around with a big head in complete ignorance of who I am apart from Christ.

But I am so glad that God knows all of this about me and chooses to show me patience, grace, and love all because of my hero and life source, Jesus Christ. My greatest joy, hope, and motivation in this life is this: “Set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed,” in 1 Peter 1:13. My whole hope for happiness, satisfaction, and acceptance is in standing before God one day and saying, “I have nothing to say but I deserve anything you see as just. But one thing I have done, and even this only by divine aid: my hope is set on the extension of your grace to me by the blood of Christ, which is able to powerfully purify all my wretchedness.”

Isn’t this the beauty of the Gospel? That even though I know God’s Word and have grown up into Christ for almost two decades, I am still a sinful creature concerned much with creature comforts and the pleasures of this world, yet God will finish his work in me. This is how he receives the most glory, I do believe, on the Day of the Lord. I will stand before the Bridegroom pure, white, without blemish, and glowing with righteousness, and I will be worthy of marrying Love himself. This is an indescribable miracle. As I struggle through the dailies in this life, and I sigh in front of the mirror as I use cosmetics to cover the acne scars and blemishes, bathe in the warmth of showering waters to cleanse myself of the filth from the day before, and try to make myself presentable enough for the world to bear…I look ahead to the day when I will glow with the beauty of Christ flawlessly without putting forth any effort at all. Thinking of that day is enough to push through today—all the messiness of life, the meloncholy that not even Starbucks can cure, the shattered dreams, the confusion and chaos or misunderstanding others and being misunderstood, all the sickness and loss, the suffering and shame, the having to live with one’s self before a holy God who sees all things…it’s manageable only because of Jesus, Immanuel, God with us.

Thank you, Jesus. Thank you for hope, the very food that energizes the soul and helps us press on to the finish line where we will meet you face to face. "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy, he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead. We are birthed into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil of fade, kept in heaven for us. Through faith we are shielded by God's power until the coming of salvation is revealed in the last days. In this we greatly rejoice, though now for a little while we suffer grief in all kinds of trials." 1 Peter 1: 3-6

Take courage, friend, and be strong in the loving grace of our Savior Christ the King. Life's hard. Everyone's is. But you're gonna make it.