Burn Out Bright

I just finished a movie about the life and work of Mother Teresa. I was home sick again today from school, and I’ve been discouraged for the greater part of the last year of watching my health decline repeatedly. I don’t know what I fear most, but I know I need not fear anything, for I can and should always trust that God’s way is best. Whatever he allows to happen in my life, I have to believe it is best. I am his daughter.

God, I fear not making it through even a semester of medical school with my body, heart and mind in such a poor state. I fear not being the teammate that I desire to be for my dear, wonderful husband. I fear my life being useless when I reach the end of it. I want to burn out bright while serving others as Mother Teresa did. But I know your plan for me is unique to who you’ve made me to be. I want to be in your will because that's why I'm alive.

I’ve been thinking about my health a lot lately, wondering why I’ve dealt with so many infirmities. I was encouraged by the passage in John 9:1-12 when Jesus’ disciples ask him why a certain man was blind—was it he who sinned or his parents? Jesus answered with this, “Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.” I don’t know why my body has been so susceptible to illness this year, but I pray that God’s work may be displayed in my life through it all. I know one thng for sure: It has drawn me closer to the Kingdom of God as I have tasted poorness of spirit, much mourning, and a desperate desire for peace in my restless heart.

Less than 6 weeks of teaching remaining. Only 4 months till med school classes begin and the dream you’ve placed in my heart finally begins to unfold—the dream of learning medicine and serving the ones no one serves. I know I cannot do it in my strength. Lord, I am leaning totally on you.

I praise you that David is one of three finalists for the CMDA Steury Scholarship. I pray that if it is your will for us to go directly to the mission field after school, that he would get that scholarship. If not, I know you will lead us to what is best. Thank you for loving me and for calling me your masterpiece. Lately, I don't feel as if that is true about me, but you promise me it is. So, I trust you.

Help me submit to you in the midst of suffering. I need your grace. I just want to be well. But I know that you know that and could make it happen if you desired. Instead, all I can plead is that you teach me something about compassion and mercy during these times of weakness and despair. Waist not one hard moment. Teach me something deeper about yourself, and let me be satisfied in that.