Discouraged

I’ve been sick so much this year, and last night, I finally just poured out my heart to God in the shower as hot water rolled down my face to wipe away the streaming tears. This year alone, I've had mono, strep twice, the flu, pneumonia, a parasite, and constant headaches and migraines. My body has dealt with one thing after another this year. Every time I start to feel like myself again, something comes along and knocks me back down.

In the shower, the verse in Proverbs that reads, “Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart, and lean not on your own understanding” kept going through my mind. I have to admit that if I start medical school feeling this way, I will not make it very long. This semester at school, I am become known as the one who is sick all the time, and in VA, if nothing changes, I will be known as the same, and who knows how long I can keep up with the curriculum.

But God doesn’t call me to lean on those thoughts. He tells me to trust in him and his plan for me. That is what I am trying to do. In Scripture I can think of many times when God allows sickness in people’s lives. Two times are when Jesus says the blind man was blind not because he had sinned but so that the glory of God could be revealed in His life through it, and in Job when God allows Satan to destroy Job’s health to test him. I don’t know if my own habits have caused my poor health, or if God is allowing all this to refine my faith, but either way, I am going to trust him.

Last night as I shared with David my thoughts, he encouraged me greatly in that he has always believed I would come out of this. Somehow, he said, I know you will be well. This has been a hard year, but you’re a new teacher, and many new teachers struggle with frequent illness. And your health is better than it was at other times this year, so let's be patient. This summer, you will get to rest without the stresses of teaching and your body will recover and regain its strength.

God, I just want you to know that I trust you and will submit to whatever you continue to allow in my life. I wish this cup would pass, but let Your will be done, not mine.