The Saddest Day

We all as humans plan out our lives, and there are layers upon layers of factors that play into why we pursue and don’t pursue certain things. But we all have one thing in common—we were born into a world that sin has broken, and thus broken we remain until we come to know the God who can make us whole.

Complete wholeness truly can be found in knowing God and being known by Him, but we tend to try everything else before we make that our one and only pursuit. I’ve been fortunate to know God through the salvation Christ offered me freely for close to seventeen years now, yet I am guilty of doing the same thing in my life. The only hope we have is that God is the ultimate pursuer of us, whether or not we are seeking Him as we should. He is faithful to lead us to abundant life, even when we desperately cling to the dreams we create, thinking that in accomplishing them, we will find the rest, identity, and satisfaction for which our souls long. And He also loves us enough to do whatever it takes to bring us to a halt if we are running hard after something less than His best.

We all as humans do plan out our lives, this is true, but the Word of God says that even so, it is He who establishes our steps. I have experienced this many times in my life, but never more than now.

After feeling called to medicine, pursuing medicine, and pouring out all my time and energy into getting into medical school for the last 5-6 years of my life, I withdrew from medical school today.

It was the hardest decision I’ve ever made, but it was also the most important decision I’ve ever made, next to accepting Christ as my Savior and saying yes to the wonderful man I married.

For most of my life, I have placed undue pressure on myself to do something big for God; I felt that if he had given me the mind, ability, motivation, and desire to become a physician, I should do nothing less than that. Part of the problem was my pride—the vice that plaques us all. I wanted so desperately to do something large and hard for the Kingdom. And during my first block of medical school, I highly succeeded in all my classes, causing me to feel even more sure that I needed to stay the course and use my talents well.

But finally, God broke through to my heart, and He has changed it completely. But it has not been as easy road to get here. No, not at all…

The road that brought me to the point of welcoming an evaluation of my dream to be a medical missionary has been one of reoccurring sufferings. Most people who know me are well aware of the poor health I've experienced over the last few years. I'm a sufferer of migraines, digestive problems, and tend to be a susceptible target of every illness with which I come into contact. Through it all--the doctor's visits, the pain, and the prayers, I've just thought I was supposed to push through and endure it, trusting that God is in control and has a reason for everything He allows in my life. I knew that he was teaching me patience, compassion for the sick, and perseverance. I just kept hoping that one day, he'd make me well.

But even into our first block of medical school, my health has worsened. In addition to the headaches and digestive issues, I developed severe and frequent panic attacks, mostly at night. I struggled to eat because the food would go right through me and I was hardly able to sleep due to frequent panic atatcks. My soul began to grow fearful; I've never been afraid of much of anything, not even death, but it's the suffering that leads to dying that is unbearably frightening, and I have felt trapped in intense darkness without a breath of hope or relief.

Nevertheless, my grades remained surprisingly good. But where was God in my sufferings? He himself is my peace, and my peace was nowhere to be found. I was so confused. I began to seriously question again if I was supposed to be in med school, which further intensified my anxiety. I tried to pray, but my chemicals were so imbalanced that I could barely function. I knew something had to change. I couldn't go on much longer, and neither could David.

God is sovereign and good, and it's no coincidence that my land-lord, Diana, has been through some of the anxiety-driven medical problems that I'm experiencing now. She saw my suffering and encouraged me to take some time off from school to address the poor health that has been such a constant part of my daily life for so long. At first, everything in me rejected the thought of stopping short of the dream I've put so much of myself into achieving for so long, not to mention I thought that this was God's call on my life. Taking medical leave would put me a year behind David, so we'd be on different schedules, and I just didn't want to give up. "I can fight through this!" I assured Diana, but in my heart, I knew that I wouldn't make it another week. My body wouldn't let me.

At last, I just let it go. I know I had asked him God several times in the past to tell me what to do, but I guess I hadn't fully listened because I feared what He would say. I was afraid that he would tell me to stop, and afraid he'd tell me to press on, at the same time. But more than anything, I just wanted to know His will and be in it because I knew that being in that place would bring the peace and healing I so desperately needed.

God was faithful, and he showed up to my rescue. He gave me the peace to not only take a break from school but to withdraw completely if I so desired. I had to decide what the wisest decision was even though, I was too unwell to really make a big decision. On my 24th birthday, I signed the withdrawal papers. Walking out of VCOM that day, it was like someone had just smashed my internal compass. I felt so lost and alone.

As I searched my heart, I found something surprising and comforting. I discovered a glimpse of freedom. I've always struggled deep down with how on earth David and I would run a balanced, life-giving home if neither of us had any margin outside of work, but I just felt like God would work that out when the time came. I always feared my career would rob my ability to be faithful to God in all my other important roles.

As soon as I allowed myself to entertain the thought of another life, my heart began to feel at peace.
Now more than ever, I had to choose to believe that God has a plan for me that is better than the one I created for myself and thought he blessed. This decision was very, very hard. And in all honesty, I have a feeling the road ahead is going to be quite long and difficult. There will be days where I will have to mourn the loss all over again. But I pray that ultimately the joy will far surpass the sadness. This is essential if I want to get well. I don't know how long it will take, but no more 10-year plans for this lady - I have to take it a day at a time.