Remember God

As I write this, I’m enjoying the beautiful sunshine of AL, the comforts of my home of origin with all its fun and familiarity, and the blessing of having so many loving hands to help with Blake. My apartment in Blacksburg, VA, is without power and water due to the snow storm, and I am glad to have a warm place to take refuge. But someone very important is missing, and that's David. He is working night shift in the emergency room in Wytheville, and living in VCOM housing for the weekend. The verse in Ecclesiastes comes to mind, “What does a man get for all the toil and anxious striving with which he labors under the sun? All his days his work is pain and grief—even at night, his mind does not rest.” I can see the fatigue brought on by 3 yrs of medical school on his face. It’s not just the demands and stress of his training that is burdensome, but not being able to provide for Blake and me. I’m so glad that we are almost at the end of that tunnel. Just a year and a half, and he’ll be getting a pay check, however small it may be. I look forward to that, not just for security, but to see my hard-working husband get the compensation he deserves.

This season of medical school has been harder on me than I ever expected. The combination of my parents divorcing, being sick for several years, having to put aside everything to heal and get back on my feet and refocus, only to be blindsided by a surprise pregnancy, have my body wrecked to bring him forth, and then all the postpartum difficulties…God knows it’s been a hard 3-4 years. So often, I wish I could edit some of the painful parts of my story. But I have hope that there are better years to come—for our marriage and our family--and I still have hope that God will bring good from all the bad. I often think, "If we made it through all that, we can make it through what’s next," as much as I wish there were no more hard things coming.

One thing I have learned the past few years is that everyone struggles. All people have troubles—believers and nonbelievers alike—and it is foolish to wish to have someone else’s life. We are all broken. We all have a reason to put the past away and hope for better days. We all have to face down our demons, although, we all struggle with different things. Everyone shares the same fate. And “time and chance” happen to us all. King Solomon of old warned us that it is not wise to say, “Why were the old days better than these?” It is not wise to say these things because one, those days are not as good as you remember them to be, and two, it is impossible to go back. All we have is the present. It is better--as Solomon found out the hard way--to eat, drink, and be glad in all things so that joy will accompany you in your work all the days of life God has given you under the sun.

Solomon, wise with age and life experience, urged us to “remember your Creator in the days of your youth before the days of trouble come and the years approach when you will say ‘I find no pleasure in them.’” I understand this advice now. I understand, now that the days of my youth are closing and the days of trouble have come and continue to come. “Remember God,” I say to my downcast soul. Remember that your spirit will return to Him and you will have peace. Do not lose sight of him, oh my soul, even though you see him through a glass dimly and hardly understand his ways. Remember him, for to whom else shall you go? Life is too hard to have no where outside of yourself and the aid of others to turn to. 

My son Blake is so much like his father...like the way he HAS to pay attention to everything around him. He just can’t miss a thing. No time to sleep when there’s things to look at, listen to, and be a part of! And his serious expressions, oh, so David. He studies everything and everyone with a look that is so identical to a look David has when he's in study mode. So much to observe—a whole world to explore. He brings such joy to my life. It makes me sad to think about him having to face the sorrows of this world and the temptations his flesh will afford, but what can I hope for him more as his mother than for his life to be God’s? I want to protect him from all pain. I want him to have no hardships. I want only happiness for him, and never disappointment. But he is not mine. He is God’s. So God help me to trust you with him, for in reality, even my best efforts at love fall extremely short of your care for Blake. Help me to resist the urge to always rescue him from pain, and help me help him find You faithful in it so that he can have peace with you no matter what comes. May Blake know you better than I do, Lord. May I learn to find satisfaction in my work during all seasons and find my enjoyment in You, God, and the things you give so that Blake can learn these things from my life.

I went for a walk with my cocker spaniel Mocha today just to think. I feel like all I do the last few months is think, analyze, pray, acquire information and opinions, and think some more. I would say all I think about is “to go to PA school, or not to go to PA school…’tis the question!” But that’s not really true. Ever since Blake was born, I just think about everything. I think about my life—I remember the past, try to make sense of the present, and wonder about the future. I think about my parents, my education, my experiences and relationships and how those things have shaped me into who I am today, for better and for worse. I think about my mortality, the fleetingness of life on this earth, and how hard it is to grow up. I think about God, who he is and who is not, who I wish he was and who I wish I was. And I think about the bitter-sweetness of the human experience. But as Solomon wrote centuries ago, “When times are good, be happy. But when times are bad, consider: God has made the one as well as the other.” 

I sigh under the weight of the realization that I don’t have nearly the control over my life that I once thought I did, and I am faced with the reality that the only one who is in control is God. That is supposed to bring me comfort and peace since he is all-good and all-loving, but the pain, suffering, and wickedness that he allows in the lives of his children makes trusting him a bit hard for me. I grew up with a father who would do ANYTHING to rescue me from pain. Even now, there is no limit to his love in action for his only daughter. But God doesn’t seem to be as interested in rescuing me from the pains of this life. He seems way more concerned about using all things to make me holy, to bring himself glory, and to detach me from this world and reattach me to him. But most of the time, especially when I’m hurting, I want God to be more the rescuing type.

I still often wonder where God was in the darkness of my seasons of depression and panic. I’ve never felt so alone, so hopeless. I can relate to King David in the psalms when he says his eyes were worn out from tears and his bones ached with sorrow from searching for his God. When it all comes down to it, that’s why I fear going overseas to do mission work in the future. I picture going somewhere, and giving up everything here to do so, and then I fear God withdrawing his presence, and I never want to experience that darkness again. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to blame God for all the hard things in my life or in the lives of others. I just don’t understand how he works. I have a hard time having a conversation with God when I can’t see him or hear him. I have a hard time following the Spirit’s lead when there are so many voices and I have so many vices. Most of the time, I just feel like a failure in life. I don’t feel that way just because life hasn’t turned out like I had hoped for or planned. I feel the weight of my sinfulness and inability to love well. I guess I struggle to rest in God’s grace and to accept myself with all my flaws. It’s tiring to be so introspective and so constantly aware of my sin. So, if you are a person of prayer, and if you ever think to pray for me, pray that I will rest in the grace and love of Jesus. 

When I’m resting in those things, as rare as those moments have been for me, I am at peace, and it’s a peace that no circumstance can thwart. Oh, peace. As I get older, peace is the most desired virtue. No money in the world can buy it. No situation or success can warrant it. Only peace that is given by the Spirit of God himself is true peace. That peace, for me, is when all striving ceases, my imperfectionism in all areas doesn’t matter, and I feel free. Perhaps that’s the closest taste of heaven I can know this side of Glory. Out of that peace, I best love others. Out of that peace, I best serve God. Oh, that blessed peace that Paul says surpasses all understanding. Remember God, I say to myself. Remember God, and find rest.