From Maiden to Mother

Autumn is in the air, pushing back the summer heat and making way for  the turning of leaves. When I feel the breeze, the air even smells like soccer season and trail running. Fall is when I feel most myself.

I haven’t blogged in eight months. I’ve been too busy wrestling with life in ways that I couldn’t put down on paper. I was asked by God to make the noble but difficult transition from maidenhood to motherhood before I was ready to do so. Becoming a mother isn’t easy for anyone, so I hear. But the hardness of the transformation varies immensely from woman to woman, and I think it’d be quite a travesty if I didn’t share my experience with the world. Perhaps, even the darkest shades of my storm will encourage someone and make them feel less estranged. And maybe, just maybe, the ways God has used my journey to better who I am will strengthen others to realize that God isn’t in the business of allowing pain in vain.

My baby Blake will turn one this October. That means I’ve been a mom for almost a year. 11 months into the game now, it is my new normal and even though it still has its challenges, being a mom brings me great joy, but it has taken a while to get to that place.

At my shower, a friend gifted me with a tote bag that read, “Mommy, established 2012.” It makes me laugh every time I use it because it’s so true. By the grace of God, my body successfully carried and helped create a human being for nine and a half months. My pregnancy had its challenges, as all pregnancies do. I have suffered from migraines for most of my adult life, but during pregnancy, I couldn’t take the medications that relieve them. I labored for 36 long, miserably painful and exhausting hours to bring my son into the world. I’m an endurance athlete--a runner to my core--but that was by far the furthest I’ve ever had to push myself, and it left me completely empty. And, as any seasoned mother knows all too well, the healing period begins at the same time that your body is forced to sleep very little in order to nourish an infant who is fully dependent on you for nutrition. My perineum was torn, my breasts were swollen and achy, and I had no idea what I was doing. “Mommy, established 2012…”

Breast feeding didn’t work out for Blake and me. This is the first time that I’ve shared that sentence without feeling guilt and sadness. I want to say to all the moms out there who suffer from post-partum depression that you are heroes in my eyes for just finding the strength to do the next thing needed for your child day by day feeling the way you do. The depression I experienced began only days after Blake’s birth, and it was relentless. I couldn’t sleep when my baby was sleeping because of anxiety and panic attacks. I cried all the time and found it impossible to bond with my sweet boy. Blake and I went to lactation consultants and had friends and family offer advice and assistance, but we could not make it work, so I bottle fed him with breast milk that I pumped for 3 ½ months. My supply was very low, probably due to stress, so eventually, when I couldn’t keep up with him anymore, I went to formula. I felt like a failure. But now, I am proud of myself for trying as hard as I did under the circumstances I was facing.  

The next major challenge of motherhood for me was to take on the responsibility of staying at home with Blake full-time. I know people who have always dreamed of having children and being stay-at-home moms, but that has simply never been me. I had planned to be in Physician Assistant School in fall of 2012, but instead, I was in Mom School 101. I’d never cared for children before, and learning to do so by trial and error was very overwhelming. My family lived hours away, and my husband was in the middle of time-consuming medical rotations. My mind was always spinning with sleep and feeding schedules, void and excrement charting, trying to answer Blake's cries the right way, checking to make sure he was breathing every hour he slept, caring for him when he was sick…I was an amateur at all things “baby.” And just when I’d finally feel like I had some normalcy, he’d reach a new developmental stage and everything would change.

One of the hardest things about transitioning to motherhood was trying to communicate my struggles and emotions without being misunderstood as one who does not love or appreciate my child. I cannot tell you what a dagger that has been. But I am learning that an imperative choice you have to make as a new mom is to stop listening to what everyone else says because they don’t know you or your child like God does. God knows I love Blake more than life and that I am certainly doing the best I can, and he is teaching me to extend grace to those who say things that simply do not help and to reach out to new moms and be a voice of honesty. I’ve made countless mistakes as I strive to love Blake well, but parenting is a learning process like everything else in life, and I can rest in knowing that the Lord will provide and at the end of the day, only His love for me defines me, not how good of a mom I am. The truth be known, motherhood can be idol like anything else can if we are not careful.

My struggles with adjusting to parenthood are what they are, but none of it is Blake's fault. Blake is my miracle, my undeserved gift from God. From birth, he’s been animated and active like no baby I’ve ever seen. He has a strong-will that is determined to do what he wants to do when he wants to do it. He hates any form of restriction, from being swaddled, to Moby wraps, to being strapped into his stroller or car seat, or being told the word, “No.” He is stubborn, like me, but I know that God will use it. He was born to lead and not follow. His fiery red, curly hair, bright blue eyes, and warm smile add goodness to the lives of everyone he is around. He is a fighter, but I know God will teach him to channel it into fighting for what matters, especially Truth. He’s my little guy. And even though it’s been a hard transformation, I am his mother, he knows I love him, and I cannot imagine my life without him. 

I want to end by saying that I plan to be a mom who works outside of the home once I get the opportunity to finish my medical training. Why? Because I trust God to use more people than just me to make Blake into the man he created him to be, and I know that God gave me my talents and passion for medicine and healing for a reason. As hard as it’s been, I am glad to have this season of life to stay home with Blake because it has helped me learn him and has taught me what it means to truly sacrifice myself constantly for someone else. Taking a shower, sitting down for a meal, a good conversation, a quiet time with God, exercising without lugging around a running stroller…they are all luxuries to me now because Blake’s needs come first. Loving him has cost me a lot, but that is the type of love that Jesus has for his children, and life is all about becoming more like Him.

I thank God for giving me the privilege of being Blake’s mom. He chose me to be the one he calls “Mommy,” and that is not a title I take lightly. But I am also more than Blake’s mom. I am a daughter, a granddaughter, a sister, a wife, and a friend. I’m an athlete, a writer, a chocolate and coffee-lover, and I have dreams, passions and talents I plan to share with the world. Most of all, I am God’s unique creation. I do not fit into any mold but his, and I trust that He will teach me all I need to know about Blake and how to love him well through all the seasons of life to come. I am like no other mom; no other mom is like me. But I am the perfect mom for Blake.

Thank you God for bringing me through all the hardships that accompanied my pregnancy, my delivery, my post-partum period, and the months that followed as I transitioned from being a maiden to a mother. It was not my timing nor my finest hours, but you are using every struggle to refine me, and not only that...you orchestrated it all to BLESS me. Give me wisdom as I seek to love and teach Blake alongside David in a way that glorifies you, and thank you for being a God who wants my honesty more than my performance because you specialize in working on the heart. I entrust Blake to you today because he is yours more than he is mine.

I love you, Blake. Thank you for your patience, your grace, and for all that you've taught me the last elevens months. I look forward to all you'll teach me in the future.