Yesterday, I reached my breaking point. I woke up with a piercing headache that I prayed would subside, but as the day went on, it only worsened. Every time I tried to think or process information, it would throb so hard that pain would shoot through my skull. As the hours and classes passed, it became more intense, and several times, I fled to the bathroom and wept, overwhelmed and discouraged. After school, feeling lower than I've felt all year, I went home and took a lot of medicine and fell asleep on the couch until David came home.
It was the night we had planned to visit our dear friend John Heaphy in Winston-Salem, so I pulled myself off the couch to meet him as promised. On the way there, I told David through tears how tired and frustrated I’d become. I told him I felt like a shell of who I used to be, and I don't remember what it felt like to be happy. My head hurt the whole drive, and David rubbed my head to relieve me of some of the discomfort as he drove.
The time with John was refreshing and fun, but it was so hard to cope with the way I was feeling. To make matters more interesting, the Beast’s battery died (the Beast is my 2003 Honda Civic) when we picked up John at the Rescue Mission. One of the chaplains jumped us off, and off we went to AutoZone to get a new battery. Sadly, the Beast died again in the left turn lane right in front of the AutoZone. We got out and pushed the car back to give people room to go around. A man in a green jeep behind us named Rob got out of his vehicle to help.
Poor John had to stay with the car to direct traffic around our dead vehicle. I talked with Rob some at AutoZone and found he was headed to Sri Lanka soon for business. We bought a 2-yr battery because that’s all they had, and David and Rob installed it. The Beast was as good as new, and we thanked Rob for his kindness.
We decided to skip on church, which I was glad about, so we could spend time in conversation with John. We took him to Burger King by his request, and he had his first whopper in 6 years! He told us his life story and testimony in detail, and it was just so amazing. To think that he attempted suicide 3 times after his girlfriend of 5 yrs left him, yet every time something kept him from succeeding! He says he is “hard-headed,” but that he finally realized God had a plan for his life. At work, a man witnessed to him and he accepted Christ after attending church with the man a few times. He said the most appealing thing about God was that he really chooses to talk to us through the Spirit. Over time, though, John lost his job and stole a car to have a way into prison where he could at least have food and shelter. He served 10 yrs for the crime, but once he got out, he still had no work and no hope, so he stole a car again to earn him a second term. That is when we came into his life—when he was finishing up his last year of prison.
Now that he’s at the Rescue Mission, he is working in the phone room. My prayer for him is that God would provide him employment before his 90 day period concludes. I also pray that his foot continues to heal so that he will be unlimited in his capabilities.
Visiting John, to me, is always like visiting Jesus—the Gospels make that so clear. Whatever we do to others, we do unto Christ himself. That restores my soul. And even in the midst of the discomfort my head was experiencing last night, my soul was well and even joyful.
I went to sleep by the grace of God right when we got home, but I woke up with the same headache. I decided to just do my best today and go on to class. But PRAISE BE TO GOD, by 1st period, my headache was gone, and I felt like a new person completely.
If someone could have seen my thoughts yesterday and then could compare them with my thoughts today, they honestly would not believe I am the same person. All I can do is give God the glory for He chose to have mercy on me. I know David has been praying for me, and I also remember my sobbing prayer yesterday on the chair in the spare room: “Daddy, daddy please help me. I cannot take the pain anymore. You alone are my God and I need you. Please tell me you hear me; do not look away. Restore me, or give me the strength to go on. I’ve got nothing left.”
He has restored me today. I don’t know what tomorrow holds, but the Word says today has enough trouble of its own. I just want to praise you, Father, for healing me. I pray that you will continue to revive my body so that I can go on to learn medicine and practice it for your glory until I die or your Son returns for your glory, AMEN!
I ask that you continue to show me what it means to trust that you know what I need even when it's painful.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Discouraged
I’ve been sick so much this year, and last night, I finally just poured out my heart to God in the shower as hot water rolled down my face to wipe away the streaming tears. This year alone, I've had mono, strep twice, the flu, pneumonia, a parasite, and constant headaches and migraines. My body has dealt with one thing after another this year. Every time I start to feel like myself again, something comes along and knocks me back down.
In the shower, the verse in Proverbs that reads, “Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart, and lean not on your own understanding” kept going through my mind. I have to admit that if I start medical school feeling this way, I will not make it very long. This semester at school, I am become known as the one who is sick all the time, and in VA, if nothing changes, I will be known as the same, and who knows how long I can keep up with the curriculum.
But God doesn’t call me to lean on those thoughts. He tells me to trust in him and his plan for me. That is what I am trying to do. In Scripture I can think of many times when God allows sickness in people’s lives. Two times are when Jesus says the blind man was blind not because he had sinned but so that the glory of God could be revealed in His life through it, and in Job when God allows Satan to destroy Job’s health to test him. I don’t know if my own habits have caused my poor health, or if God is allowing all this to refine my faith, but either way, I am going to trust him.
Last night as I shared with David my thoughts, he encouraged me greatly in that he has always believed I would come out of this. Somehow, he said, I know you will be well. This has been a hard year, but you’re a new teacher, and many new teachers struggle with frequent illness. And your health is better than it was at other times this year, so let's be patient. This summer, you will get to rest without the stresses of teaching and your body will recover and regain its strength.
God, I just want you to know that I trust you and will submit to whatever you continue to allow in my life. I wish this cup would pass, but let Your will be done, not mine.
In the shower, the verse in Proverbs that reads, “Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart, and lean not on your own understanding” kept going through my mind. I have to admit that if I start medical school feeling this way, I will not make it very long. This semester at school, I am become known as the one who is sick all the time, and in VA, if nothing changes, I will be known as the same, and who knows how long I can keep up with the curriculum.
But God doesn’t call me to lean on those thoughts. He tells me to trust in him and his plan for me. That is what I am trying to do. In Scripture I can think of many times when God allows sickness in people’s lives. Two times are when Jesus says the blind man was blind not because he had sinned but so that the glory of God could be revealed in His life through it, and in Job when God allows Satan to destroy Job’s health to test him. I don’t know if my own habits have caused my poor health, or if God is allowing all this to refine my faith, but either way, I am going to trust him.
Last night as I shared with David my thoughts, he encouraged me greatly in that he has always believed I would come out of this. Somehow, he said, I know you will be well. This has been a hard year, but you’re a new teacher, and many new teachers struggle with frequent illness. And your health is better than it was at other times this year, so let's be patient. This summer, you will get to rest without the stresses of teaching and your body will recover and regain its strength.
God, I just want you to know that I trust you and will submit to whatever you continue to allow in my life. I wish this cup would pass, but let Your will be done, not mine.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Burn Out Bright
I just finished a movie about the life and work of Mother Teresa. I was home sick again today from school, and I’ve been discouraged for the greater part of the last year of watching my health decline repeatedly. I don’t know what I fear most, but I know I need not fear anything, for I can and should always trust that God’s way is best. Whatever he allows to happen in my life, I have to believe it is best. I am his daughter.
God, I fear not making it through even a semester of medical school with my body, heart and mind in such a poor state. I fear not being the teammate that I desire to be for my dear, wonderful husband. I fear my life being useless when I reach the end of it. I want to burn out bright while serving others as Mother Teresa did. But I know your plan for me is unique to who you’ve made me to be. I want to be in your will because that's why I'm alive.
I’ve been thinking about my health a lot lately, wondering why I’ve dealt with so many infirmities. I was encouraged by the passage in John 9:1-12 when Jesus’ disciples ask him why a certain man was blind—was it he who sinned or his parents? Jesus answered with this, “Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.” I don’t know why my body has been so susceptible to illness this year, but I pray that God’s work may be displayed in my life through it all. I know one thng for sure: It has drawn me closer to the Kingdom of God as I have tasted poorness of spirit, much mourning, and a desperate desire for peace in my restless heart.
Less than 6 weeks of teaching remaining. Only 4 months till med school classes begin and the dream you’ve placed in my heart finally begins to unfold—the dream of learning medicine and serving the ones no one serves. I know I cannot do it in my strength. Lord, I am leaning totally on you.
I praise you that David is one of three finalists for the CMDA Steury Scholarship. I pray that if it is your will for us to go directly to the mission field after school, that he would get that scholarship. If not, I know you will lead us to what is best. Thank you for loving me and for calling me your masterpiece. Lately, I don't feel as if that is true about me, but you promise me it is. So, I trust you.
Help me submit to you in the midst of suffering. I need your grace. I just want to be well. But I know that you know that and could make it happen if you desired. Instead, all I can plead is that you teach me something about compassion and mercy during these times of weakness and despair. Waist not one hard moment. Teach me something deeper about yourself, and let me be satisfied in that.
God, I fear not making it through even a semester of medical school with my body, heart and mind in such a poor state. I fear not being the teammate that I desire to be for my dear, wonderful husband. I fear my life being useless when I reach the end of it. I want to burn out bright while serving others as Mother Teresa did. But I know your plan for me is unique to who you’ve made me to be. I want to be in your will because that's why I'm alive.
I’ve been thinking about my health a lot lately, wondering why I’ve dealt with so many infirmities. I was encouraged by the passage in John 9:1-12 when Jesus’ disciples ask him why a certain man was blind—was it he who sinned or his parents? Jesus answered with this, “Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.” I don’t know why my body has been so susceptible to illness this year, but I pray that God’s work may be displayed in my life through it all. I know one thng for sure: It has drawn me closer to the Kingdom of God as I have tasted poorness of spirit, much mourning, and a desperate desire for peace in my restless heart.
Less than 6 weeks of teaching remaining. Only 4 months till med school classes begin and the dream you’ve placed in my heart finally begins to unfold—the dream of learning medicine and serving the ones no one serves. I know I cannot do it in my strength. Lord, I am leaning totally on you.
I praise you that David is one of three finalists for the CMDA Steury Scholarship. I pray that if it is your will for us to go directly to the mission field after school, that he would get that scholarship. If not, I know you will lead us to what is best. Thank you for loving me and for calling me your masterpiece. Lately, I don't feel as if that is true about me, but you promise me it is. So, I trust you.
Help me submit to you in the midst of suffering. I need your grace. I just want to be well. But I know that you know that and could make it happen if you desired. Instead, all I can plead is that you teach me something about compassion and mercy during these times of weakness and despair. Waist not one hard moment. Teach me something deeper about yourself, and let me be satisfied in that.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Visiting VCOM
David and I just returned from chaperoning the Dominican Republic senior trip, and it was so fulfilling; I praise God for opening up the door for us to go. I’ve never been on a trip where there were enough funds and hands available to meet as many physical needs as God enabled us to meet, and I think this speaks volumes of the value in establishing a long-term relationship with a place for annual short-term missions. May God bless all the people who donated supplies and money so that we could bless so many beautiful people.
Medical day was such a challenging learning experience, but I felt so at home. David and I both were amazed at how fast the day passed by. Even though all I did was triage in broken Spanish, I enjoyed talking and interacting with the patients so much.
We returned to NC at about 10 p.m. on Friday night, and we drove through the night all the way to Blacksburg, VA, because the very next morning we had Accepted Students Day at VCOM! Even though we were tired, we really had a great weekend in Virginia. I enjoyed meeting current VCOM students so much; I am excited about getting to know my class and sharing the love of God with them. I pray for the 189 students in our class of 2014—I ask that God would use David and me to live lives worthy of the calling we’ve received and that people in Blacksburg would see our lives and glorify God in heaven. Lord, be near to us for we are frail and weak. We can do nothing apart from you. But with you in your strength, nothing is impossible.
I am overjoyed to share that God provided us with awesome housing for when we start school in the fall. God has proven His ability to provide for us time and time again, but He also loves to answer prayers in ways that are greater than what we ask or imagine. He is a good father who gives wonderful gifts! We had been praying for God to provide us a unique housing opportunity where we could live simply with a Christian family and help serve them in some way. God did just that, and more! A lady named Diana Jaasma responded to an email I sent out to Blacksburg Christian Fellowship (BCF) church about our need for housing. What an awesome family we have in the body of Christ! Diana's husband Dennis is in the last stages of early-onset Alzheimer’s disease. She offered us her basement apartment and asked if we could help her care for her husband. We were already stoked about the chance to serve, but then, we could hardly believe our eyes when we drove up to see the apartment. Diana lives on the side of a mountain on a gorgeous horse farm. And so that is where we will be moving in this August. We also visited BCF church, and it really seems to be an awesome church focused on the right things. There is a lot to look forward to in Virginia!
Medical day was such a challenging learning experience, but I felt so at home. David and I both were amazed at how fast the day passed by. Even though all I did was triage in broken Spanish, I enjoyed talking and interacting with the patients so much.
We returned to NC at about 10 p.m. on Friday night, and we drove through the night all the way to Blacksburg, VA, because the very next morning we had Accepted Students Day at VCOM! Even though we were tired, we really had a great weekend in Virginia. I enjoyed meeting current VCOM students so much; I am excited about getting to know my class and sharing the love of God with them. I pray for the 189 students in our class of 2014—I ask that God would use David and me to live lives worthy of the calling we’ve received and that people in Blacksburg would see our lives and glorify God in heaven. Lord, be near to us for we are frail and weak. We can do nothing apart from you. But with you in your strength, nothing is impossible.
I am overjoyed to share that God provided us with awesome housing for when we start school in the fall. God has proven His ability to provide for us time and time again, but He also loves to answer prayers in ways that are greater than what we ask or imagine. He is a good father who gives wonderful gifts! We had been praying for God to provide us a unique housing opportunity where we could live simply with a Christian family and help serve them in some way. God did just that, and more! A lady named Diana Jaasma responded to an email I sent out to Blacksburg Christian Fellowship (BCF) church about our need for housing. What an awesome family we have in the body of Christ! Diana's husband Dennis is in the last stages of early-onset Alzheimer’s disease. She offered us her basement apartment and asked if we could help her care for her husband. We were already stoked about the chance to serve, but then, we could hardly believe our eyes when we drove up to see the apartment. Diana lives on the side of a mountain on a gorgeous horse farm. And so that is where we will be moving in this August. We also visited BCF church, and it really seems to be an awesome church focused on the right things. There is a lot to look forward to in Virginia!
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Mrs. V
Reflections on my first semester as an educator:
I've received the same interrogation many times: "So, how do you like teaching at Faith?" My unspoken question back is always something like, "How much time do you have?"Where do I begin?
Teaching has been one of the most challenging, humbling, and rewarding endeavors I've ever encountered. I graduated Bryan College with a degree in biology. Without a day of student-teaching or a single class on education, I started teaching at Faith Christian School with two 8th grade math classes, an algebra student to tutor, a 6th grade English class and a 12th grade advanced biology class.
David has a heavy load as well - two 7th grade math classes, an algebra II class, a 10th grade chemistry class and an 8th grade physical science class. We also share 7th grade study hall at the end of the day, which is like, as David so eloquently put it, "trying to keep a room full of Jack Russell terriers sitting quietly."
The first few months were so overwhelming. We honestly had no idea what we were doing. Learning to maintain control over our classrooms was the first big obstacle, not to mention figuring out how the copying machine and gradebook work. We spent most our time outside of school writing lesson plans and grading papers as we tried to stay a day ahead of our students. David coached JV soccer, and I helped with the cross-country team, so we spent a good bit of time at practices and sporting events. On the weekends when we didn't have games and meets, we traveled to see AL to see my family, to TN to see college friends or to interview for medical school in VA. To make matters even crazier, the first two months of school at Faith we take the students to Camp Wilds for one week, and then the teachers spend a week at a teacher's conference at Myrtle Beach. It seemed like there was never enough consistency to get into a good routine.
Teaching in a Christian school system has been a big adjustment for me. I grew up in public school, and I really enjoyed it. It's funny to hear Christian schoolers talk about public schoolers in such a derogatory way. I think my education prepared me well for being a light in the darkness and taught me how to stand for Christ in a setting where it was not popular. Oh, and I've definitely worn more skirts in the past 5 months than my whole life combined thanks to the modesty dress code rules. Adjusting to being in a Christian community almost 24/7 has been very difficult for me on many levels, but I am grateful for this chance to experience the environment that David grew up in. I am also thankful for the people I work with that have dedicated their lives to teaching students to live godly lives before God. Some of the most amazing people I've ever known work at Faith Christian School.
As a new teacher, I struggled most immensely with discipline and classroom management. Being a structure, serious person does not come naturally for me. Some of my seniors slept during my class, and it became a daily battle to deal with my gregarious 8th graders, most of whom are completely apathetic about school. But my 6th grade class was the hardest part of my day for the longest time. I am the lucky teacher that teaches their last subject of the day between lunch and PE. In the beginning, it seemed like every student always had their hand raised, and I never knew if it would be to tell a long, irrelevant story, go to the bathroom, or ask a legitimate question. Boys would get into fights; girls would tell on them. There were days I thought I was going to cry. Night after night, I shared my frustrations with David about how I felt like I couldn't manage their rowdiness enough to teach them well. I felt like a failure.
Now I am proud to say that the 6th grade classroom is where I feel the most at home. Over time, I have learned to be creative in order to make the classroom enjoyable to keep their interest. One parent helped me out by buying a Treasure Box full of candy for me to keep in the classroom. At the end of each class, if the students have behaved well enough to avoid getting their name on the board or a demerit, they get to pick out a piece of candy. They love it and are more motivated to behave well.
One day, I gave every student a nickname, and I try to use those names when I call on them to answer questions. They loved it. The 6th grade class is a very special class, and I am going to miss them when I am gone. I think the funniest thing that the 6th graders do is wish me a happy birthday every singe day. I think I am now at least in my sixties.
My 8th grade math class is difficult in that I feel like I have to throw out demerits to maintain any kind of sound learning environment. This saddens my heart because it prevents me from getting to know my students and letting them know how much I care about them. Middle school is a hard time, I know; I've been there. Your body goes through so many changes, and you are willing to do anything to be accepted by your peers. This class is no different. But I want more for them. I see more IN them than what they display. I am hoping to see a change in the way they treat one another this coming semester. It only takes one person to take a stand for what is right; I'm just waiting to see who is bold enough to lead by serving others more than themselves. For Christmas, David and I gave them all bags with their favorite candy and drink. We also included a note that urged them to love their classmates. We want them to know that we sincerely care for them and their futures. But most of all, we want them to know that God cares for them and wants what is best for their lives.
Teaching advanced biology has certainly been where I am most in my element. I want to be a medical provider, after all. The human body is so fascinating to me, and I love explaining the complexity of its design to my students in a way that I hope will make them in awe of our Creator God. I try to have review study sessions at our apartment before each test so that I can spend some extra time with the seniors outside of class. I have really enjoyed coaching three of them in cross-country. I am praying for them as they seek God's will for their futures. David and I are very excited about chaperoning the senior mission trip to the Dominican Republic during spring break in March. It will be a great opportunity to get to know them even more and to watch God work in their lives.
So overall, I can honestly say I am thankful to have a teaching job this year. This year has been a year of adjusting to marriage, life outside of college, and learning what it means to be an adult. It's been hilarious to come home some days so depressed about all my inadequacies as a teacher and then for David and me to remind each other that...we are not trained school teachers!! And that God doesn't expect us to do things perfectly this year. That is very refreshing because I come no where close. A special thanks to the students at Faith Christian for letting me join their educational journey this year!
I've received the same interrogation many times: "So, how do you like teaching at Faith?" My unspoken question back is always something like, "How much time do you have?"Where do I begin?
Teaching has been one of the most challenging, humbling, and rewarding endeavors I've ever encountered. I graduated Bryan College with a degree in biology. Without a day of student-teaching or a single class on education, I started teaching at Faith Christian School with two 8th grade math classes, an algebra student to tutor, a 6th grade English class and a 12th grade advanced biology class.
David has a heavy load as well - two 7th grade math classes, an algebra II class, a 10th grade chemistry class and an 8th grade physical science class. We also share 7th grade study hall at the end of the day, which is like, as David so eloquently put it, "trying to keep a room full of Jack Russell terriers sitting quietly."
The first few months were so overwhelming. We honestly had no idea what we were doing. Learning to maintain control over our classrooms was the first big obstacle, not to mention figuring out how the copying machine and gradebook work. We spent most our time outside of school writing lesson plans and grading papers as we tried to stay a day ahead of our students. David coached JV soccer, and I helped with the cross-country team, so we spent a good bit of time at practices and sporting events. On the weekends when we didn't have games and meets, we traveled to see AL to see my family, to TN to see college friends or to interview for medical school in VA. To make matters even crazier, the first two months of school at Faith we take the students to Camp Wilds for one week, and then the teachers spend a week at a teacher's conference at Myrtle Beach. It seemed like there was never enough consistency to get into a good routine.
 |
| FCS Cross-country team |
As a new teacher, I struggled most immensely with discipline and classroom management. Being a structure, serious person does not come naturally for me. Some of my seniors slept during my class, and it became a daily battle to deal with my gregarious 8th graders, most of whom are completely apathetic about school. But my 6th grade class was the hardest part of my day for the longest time. I am the lucky teacher that teaches their last subject of the day between lunch and PE. In the beginning, it seemed like every student always had their hand raised, and I never knew if it would be to tell a long, irrelevant story, go to the bathroom, or ask a legitimate question. Boys would get into fights; girls would tell on them. There were days I thought I was going to cry. Night after night, I shared my frustrations with David about how I felt like I couldn't manage their rowdiness enough to teach them well. I felt like a failure.
Now I am proud to say that the 6th grade classroom is where I feel the most at home. Over time, I have learned to be creative in order to make the classroom enjoyable to keep their interest. One parent helped me out by buying a Treasure Box full of candy for me to keep in the classroom. At the end of each class, if the students have behaved well enough to avoid getting their name on the board or a demerit, they get to pick out a piece of candy. They love it and are more motivated to behave well. 
One day, I gave every student a nickname, and I try to use those names when I call on them to answer questions. They loved it. The 6th grade class is a very special class, and I am going to miss them when I am gone. I think the funniest thing that the 6th graders do is wish me a happy birthday every singe day. I think I am now at least in my sixties. 
My 8th grade math class is difficult in that I feel like I have to throw out demerits to maintain any kind of sound learning environment. This saddens my heart because it prevents me from getting to know my students and letting them know how much I care about them. Middle school is a hard time, I know; I've been there. Your body goes through so many changes, and you are willing to do anything to be accepted by your peers. This class is no different. But I want more for them. I see more IN them than what they display. I am hoping to see a change in the way they treat one another this coming semester. It only takes one person to take a stand for what is right; I'm just waiting to see who is bold enough to lead by serving others more than themselves. For Christmas, David and I gave them all bags with their favorite candy and drink. We also included a note that urged them to love their classmates. We want them to know that we sincerely care for them and their futures. But most of all, we want them to know that God cares for them and wants what is best for their lives.
Teaching advanced biology has certainly been where I am most in my element. I want to be a medical provider, after all. The human body is so fascinating to me, and I love explaining the complexity of its design to my students in a way that I hope will make them in awe of our Creator God. I try to have review study sessions at our apartment before each test so that I can spend some extra time with the seniors outside of class. I have really enjoyed coaching three of them in cross-country. I am praying for them as they seek God's will for their futures. David and I are very excited about chaperoning the senior mission trip to the Dominican Republic during spring break in March. It will be a great opportunity to get to know them even more and to watch God work in their lives.
So overall, I can honestly say I am thankful to have a teaching job this year. This year has been a year of adjusting to marriage, life outside of college, and learning what it means to be an adult. It's been hilarious to come home some days so depressed about all my inadequacies as a teacher and then for David and me to remind each other that...we are not trained school teachers!! And that God doesn't expect us to do things perfectly this year. That is very refreshing because I come no where close. A special thanks to the students at Faith Christian for letting me join their educational journey this year!
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
My First Panic Attack
I experienced perhaps the scariest moment on my life Friday, December 11th. I woke up at 6:30 am, as part of my usual morning routine for a school day, and I jumped in the shower. It wasn’t long before I realized that something was not right inside of me—my chest felt tight as if someone were sitting on top of it. My breathing muscles were fighting to allow my lungs to inspire, but even the steam from the shower could not help them expand. Inside my mind, I knew that the key was to stay calm, so I tried to take deeper breaths, but they proved to be impossible. In a matter of about five minutes, my vision started to blur and dizziness set in.
Right at that moment, I heard David’s voice from somewhere in the bathroom, “Hey, babe, can I get in?” I replied yes. As soon as he opened the curtain, I managed to tell him what was happening to me. “Babe, I need you to help me not panic because I am having trouble breathing…oh, no…oh, no…” And that was the last thing I remember before the paramedics arrived to take me by ambulance to Chatham Hospital.
In the ER room, David told me what the horrible incident was like from his perspective. He said that I passed out in his arms and that my body went so limp that he couldn’t hold me up. I dropped to the floor of the tub like a ragdoll. My body was sheet white, my eyes wide open, and my mouth gaping wide, not breathing. He said he now knows what it would feel like to see me dead. He dragged me out of the shower and into the living room and called 911.
It troubled my soul greatly when the medical professionals could not find a sure cause for my episode of syncope. They ran an EKG, took blood, an X-ray and a CT scan. Everything came back normal. “Have you been under any type of stress lately?” the resident physician inquired. David briefly described that my parents had just divorced and that today was the day my mom was getting remarried. As he talked, my mind drifted back to yesterday when the reality of my mom’s choices hit me hard for the first time. As I looked on Facebook at her soon-to-be husband and two step-children all decorating their Christmas tree in their new house, tears of anger and sadness filled my eyes. I prayed about my sadness and talked to David about my thoughts before bed. I went to sleep in peace, and I woke up this morning in peace. I knew that during the episode this morning, I remained calm the whole time and was in my right mind up until the point everything went black. It did not resemble the panic attacks I have witnessed and read about. I didn’t buy it. Nevertheless, the doctor concluded that what I experienced most closely resembled an anxiety attack, for a lack of a better diagnosis. A panic attack, me? I've never been an anxious person.
I talked to my mom on the phone while I lay in the hospital bed. She was weeping and asking why I couldn’t just be happy for her. “For once in my life, I’m doing something that will make me happy.” After hearing that, I just wanted to let it all go and not let it affect me. I realized that if happiness is dependent on another person, that person will always fail you. I told her I loved her and that I would be fine.
But as I got ready to go home, I was not fine. I was afraid to leave the hospital without the assurance that the same thing wouldn’t happen again. My chest still felt tight, and I was sincerely scared. I asked for some anti-anxiety meds to see if they might help my chest, and I was given a Xanax that knocked me out for hours. We slept at David’s parents’ house that night to avoid our apartment.
The next day the mysteriousness of what happened began to wear on me. I watched David play with his team in a soccer game and did some make-up school work, but in the back of my mind, I felt like something else caused my syncope that horrendous morning. My mother-in-law Anna asked me if I really thought it was from stress, and I replied, “If it was, I am shocked and overwhelmed by that explanation. It was so traumatic and I still don't feel right.” Yet it is a possibility. It is not every day your parents of 25 years get divorced. And I know I am one to suppress negative emotions, but wow, I had no idea that doing so could cause these symptoms.
That night, on the way back to the apartment, I felt afraid and even sick. My body hurt all over, and my chest was still tight. As we lay down to sleep, I sat up and told David that I was going to sleep sitting up so that I could breathe. This "anxiety" as it had been termed was more difficult than I ever imagined it could be. I went to India with a college friend to do work in a slum school in 2008, and she had intense panic syndrome, fibromyalgia and depression that I struggled to understand. I truly had compassion on her, but I did not know how to empathize. I did not know the all-encompassing depth of these diagnoses...but I was tasting some of it now.
In one of Jesus' last conversations with his disciples before leaving this world, he said, "Let not your hearts be troubled. Trust in God. Trust also in me..." He tells us not to allow our hearts to be fearful or worried because he can be trusted to provide for us here and the next life. Today, I am realizing that his wisdom is hard to practice when your world is crashing down all around you. Lord, help my heart to rest. I am simply in over my head.
Right at that moment, I heard David’s voice from somewhere in the bathroom, “Hey, babe, can I get in?” I replied yes. As soon as he opened the curtain, I managed to tell him what was happening to me. “Babe, I need you to help me not panic because I am having trouble breathing…oh, no…oh, no…” And that was the last thing I remember before the paramedics arrived to take me by ambulance to Chatham Hospital.
In the ER room, David told me what the horrible incident was like from his perspective. He said that I passed out in his arms and that my body went so limp that he couldn’t hold me up. I dropped to the floor of the tub like a ragdoll. My body was sheet white, my eyes wide open, and my mouth gaping wide, not breathing. He said he now knows what it would feel like to see me dead. He dragged me out of the shower and into the living room and called 911.
It troubled my soul greatly when the medical professionals could not find a sure cause for my episode of syncope. They ran an EKG, took blood, an X-ray and a CT scan. Everything came back normal. “Have you been under any type of stress lately?” the resident physician inquired. David briefly described that my parents had just divorced and that today was the day my mom was getting remarried. As he talked, my mind drifted back to yesterday when the reality of my mom’s choices hit me hard for the first time. As I looked on Facebook at her soon-to-be husband and two step-children all decorating their Christmas tree in their new house, tears of anger and sadness filled my eyes. I prayed about my sadness and talked to David about my thoughts before bed. I went to sleep in peace, and I woke up this morning in peace. I knew that during the episode this morning, I remained calm the whole time and was in my right mind up until the point everything went black. It did not resemble the panic attacks I have witnessed and read about. I didn’t buy it. Nevertheless, the doctor concluded that what I experienced most closely resembled an anxiety attack, for a lack of a better diagnosis. A panic attack, me? I've never been an anxious person.
I talked to my mom on the phone while I lay in the hospital bed. She was weeping and asking why I couldn’t just be happy for her. “For once in my life, I’m doing something that will make me happy.” After hearing that, I just wanted to let it all go and not let it affect me. I realized that if happiness is dependent on another person, that person will always fail you. I told her I loved her and that I would be fine.
But as I got ready to go home, I was not fine. I was afraid to leave the hospital without the assurance that the same thing wouldn’t happen again. My chest still felt tight, and I was sincerely scared. I asked for some anti-anxiety meds to see if they might help my chest, and I was given a Xanax that knocked me out for hours. We slept at David’s parents’ house that night to avoid our apartment.
The next day the mysteriousness of what happened began to wear on me. I watched David play with his team in a soccer game and did some make-up school work, but in the back of my mind, I felt like something else caused my syncope that horrendous morning. My mother-in-law Anna asked me if I really thought it was from stress, and I replied, “If it was, I am shocked and overwhelmed by that explanation. It was so traumatic and I still don't feel right.” Yet it is a possibility. It is not every day your parents of 25 years get divorced. And I know I am one to suppress negative emotions, but wow, I had no idea that doing so could cause these symptoms.
That night, on the way back to the apartment, I felt afraid and even sick. My body hurt all over, and my chest was still tight. As we lay down to sleep, I sat up and told David that I was going to sleep sitting up so that I could breathe. This "anxiety" as it had been termed was more difficult than I ever imagined it could be. I went to India with a college friend to do work in a slum school in 2008, and she had intense panic syndrome, fibromyalgia and depression that I struggled to understand. I truly had compassion on her, but I did not know how to empathize. I did not know the all-encompassing depth of these diagnoses...but I was tasting some of it now.
In one of Jesus' last conversations with his disciples before leaving this world, he said, "Let not your hearts be troubled. Trust in God. Trust also in me..." He tells us not to allow our hearts to be fearful or worried because he can be trusted to provide for us here and the next life. Today, I am realizing that his wisdom is hard to practice when your world is crashing down all around you. Lord, help my heart to rest. I am simply in over my head.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Embracing Weakness
Dearest Lord,
I want to thank you for breath and life today. This October has been such a hard month - one of the most difficult seasons of my life. As you well know, the past six months have been strenuous due to my health, and it has taken me until now to find the strength to write about it. Poor immunity and has worn down my body to the point that fatigue is my only constant, and when my migraines attack, I have hurt to the point that death seemed like my only option of relief. Daily headaches and the fog that accompanies them combined with everything else has led me captive into a depression that has taken over my mind like nothing else ever has before. I feel irritable towards people, even the people I love most. I am needy and never satisfied. I have wanted to talk to you, but I didn’t want to feel the distance that was between us. I've wanted to listen to you, but I've been too afraid of what I would hear. I've been afraid to hear you say, “No” to my plea for the restoration of my body. As I write this, I know that words cannot do justice to how I’ve felt these past few months, but to put it simply, you alone know that I’ve never been so low and I am fully aware there is no quick solution.
But today, I want to praise you for being so faithful to me through it all. Being sick has humbled me in ways you knew nothing else could, and for that, I am thankful. As you empty me, I realize more and more that I just don’t have anything to offer except for what you give me to give back to you and others. If I had it my way, I would choose to feel strong again—to feel capable of enduring hard things and carrying heavy responsibilities, but then, I know I would rely on myself and would risk getting the glory that you alone deserve. But here in surrender, I am in awe of how awesome you are and how lifeless I am without you. I am finally at a point where I am embracing weakness so that your power may be made perfect as your grace suffices all my shortcomings.
I have stopped asking you to take away the pain…I have asked you more than enough for that request to be fulfilled, and I have no doubt that you are capable of accomplishing it if you so desire. I realize that for whatever reason, this pain serves a purpose right now in my life, and it has to be a good purpose since you work all things for good for those who are your children. Now, I make a new intercession: that you not let any of my sufferings be in vain. I ask that you use every ounce of struggle to bring me into a closer understanding of who your Son is and what He went through for me, and I pray you use my weaknesses to encourage others who are also traversing the valley of shadows.
Ever since I went to see Dr. Vaughan in Greensboro, I have been improving slowly, and I praise you for Bill & Anna Villanueva’s loving willingness to help me see good health again. The medicine seems to be treating my GI symptoms of constant diarrhea and nausea, and now that I'm absorbing some nutrition, my headaches are improving as well. I can tell I still have a long way to go, but my mood and mind are improving, and for that, I praise you. I feel like I am more myself today, and hopefully I will be able to serve my students at Faith Christian School and my husband David more as my daily tasks become less and less daunting.
I don’t know what my future holds, but I trust you. For the first time, I am able to say that I know you will give me what I need to do what you want me to do, even if my health is poor in my eyes and in the eyes of others. I pray that you will use all the information and difficulties I’ve encountered through homeopathic, chiropractic, osteopathic, allopathic and integrative medicine to best serve others in my medical career to come.
You came for the sick. I feel quite at home in that. Spiritually and physically, you came for me.
I love you,
Jana
I want to thank you for breath and life today. This October has been such a hard month - one of the most difficult seasons of my life. As you well know, the past six months have been strenuous due to my health, and it has taken me until now to find the strength to write about it. Poor immunity and has worn down my body to the point that fatigue is my only constant, and when my migraines attack, I have hurt to the point that death seemed like my only option of relief. Daily headaches and the fog that accompanies them combined with everything else has led me captive into a depression that has taken over my mind like nothing else ever has before. I feel irritable towards people, even the people I love most. I am needy and never satisfied. I have wanted to talk to you, but I didn’t want to feel the distance that was between us. I've wanted to listen to you, but I've been too afraid of what I would hear. I've been afraid to hear you say, “No” to my plea for the restoration of my body. As I write this, I know that words cannot do justice to how I’ve felt these past few months, but to put it simply, you alone know that I’ve never been so low and I am fully aware there is no quick solution.
But today, I want to praise you for being so faithful to me through it all. Being sick has humbled me in ways you knew nothing else could, and for that, I am thankful. As you empty me, I realize more and more that I just don’t have anything to offer except for what you give me to give back to you and others. If I had it my way, I would choose to feel strong again—to feel capable of enduring hard things and carrying heavy responsibilities, but then, I know I would rely on myself and would risk getting the glory that you alone deserve. But here in surrender, I am in awe of how awesome you are and how lifeless I am without you. I am finally at a point where I am embracing weakness so that your power may be made perfect as your grace suffices all my shortcomings.
I have stopped asking you to take away the pain…I have asked you more than enough for that request to be fulfilled, and I have no doubt that you are capable of accomplishing it if you so desire. I realize that for whatever reason, this pain serves a purpose right now in my life, and it has to be a good purpose since you work all things for good for those who are your children. Now, I make a new intercession: that you not let any of my sufferings be in vain. I ask that you use every ounce of struggle to bring me into a closer understanding of who your Son is and what He went through for me, and I pray you use my weaknesses to encourage others who are also traversing the valley of shadows.
Ever since I went to see Dr. Vaughan in Greensboro, I have been improving slowly, and I praise you for Bill & Anna Villanueva’s loving willingness to help me see good health again. The medicine seems to be treating my GI symptoms of constant diarrhea and nausea, and now that I'm absorbing some nutrition, my headaches are improving as well. I can tell I still have a long way to go, but my mood and mind are improving, and for that, I praise you. I feel like I am more myself today, and hopefully I will be able to serve my students at Faith Christian School and my husband David more as my daily tasks become less and less daunting.
I don’t know what my future holds, but I trust you. For the first time, I am able to say that I know you will give me what I need to do what you want me to do, even if my health is poor in my eyes and in the eyes of others. I pray that you will use all the information and difficulties I’ve encountered through homeopathic, chiropractic, osteopathic, allopathic and integrative medicine to best serve others in my medical career to come.
You came for the sick. I feel quite at home in that. Spiritually and physically, you came for me.
I love you,
Jana
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