The Saddest Day

We all as humans plan out our lives, and there are layers upon layers of factors that play into why we pursue and don’t pursue certain things. But we all have one thing in common—we were born into a world that sin has broken, and thus broken we remain until we come to know the God who can make us whole.

Complete wholeness truly can be found in knowing God and being known by Him, but we tend to try everything else before we make that our one and only pursuit. I’ve been fortunate to know God through the salvation Christ offered me freely for close to seventeen years now, yet I am guilty of doing the same thing in my life. The only hope we have is that God is the ultimate pursuer of us, whether or not we are seeking Him as we should. He is faithful to lead us to abundant life, even when we desperately cling to the dreams we create, thinking that in accomplishing them, we will find the rest, identity, and satisfaction for which our souls long. And He also loves us enough to do whatever it takes to bring us to a halt if we are running hard after something less than His best.

We all as humans do plan out our lives, this is true, but the Word of God says that even so, it is He who establishes our steps. I have experienced this many times in my life, but never more than now.

After feeling called to medicine, pursuing medicine, and pouring out all my time and energy into getting into medical school for the last 5-6 years of my life, I withdrew from medical school today.

It was the hardest decision I’ve ever made, but it was also the most important decision I’ve ever made, next to accepting Christ as my Savior and saying yes to the wonderful man I married.

For most of my life, I have placed undue pressure on myself to do something big for God; I felt that if he had given me the mind, ability, motivation, and desire to become a physician, I should do nothing less than that. Part of the problem was my pride—the vice that plaques us all. I wanted so desperately to do something large and hard for the Kingdom. And during my first block of medical school, I highly succeeded in all my classes, causing me to feel even more sure that I needed to stay the course and use my talents well.

But finally, God broke through to my heart, and He has changed it completely. But it has not been as easy road to get here. No, not at all…

The road that brought me to the point of welcoming an evaluation of my dream to be a medical missionary has been one of reoccurring sufferings. Most people who know me are well aware of the poor health I've experienced over the last few years. I'm a sufferer of migraines, digestive problems, and tend to be a susceptible target of every illness with which I come into contact. Through it all--the doctor's visits, the pain, and the prayers, I've just thought I was supposed to push through and endure it, trusting that God is in control and has a reason for everything He allows in my life. I knew that he was teaching me patience, compassion for the sick, and perseverance. I just kept hoping that one day, he'd make me well.

But even into our first block of medical school, my health has worsened. In addition to the headaches and digestive issues, I developed severe and frequent panic attacks, mostly at night. I struggled to eat because the food would go right through me and I was hardly able to sleep due to frequent panic atatcks. My soul began to grow fearful; I've never been afraid of much of anything, not even death, but it's the suffering that leads to dying that is unbearably frightening, and I have felt trapped in intense darkness without a breath of hope or relief.

Nevertheless, my grades remained surprisingly good. But where was God in my sufferings? He himself is my peace, and my peace was nowhere to be found. I was so confused. I began to seriously question again if I was supposed to be in med school, which further intensified my anxiety. I tried to pray, but my chemicals were so imbalanced that I could barely function. I knew something had to change. I couldn't go on much longer, and neither could David.

God is sovereign and good, and it's no coincidence that my land-lord, Diana, has been through some of the anxiety-driven medical problems that I'm experiencing now. She saw my suffering and encouraged me to take some time off from school to address the poor health that has been such a constant part of my daily life for so long. At first, everything in me rejected the thought of stopping short of the dream I've put so much of myself into achieving for so long, not to mention I thought that this was God's call on my life. Taking medical leave would put me a year behind David, so we'd be on different schedules, and I just didn't want to give up. "I can fight through this!" I assured Diana, but in my heart, I knew that I wouldn't make it another week. My body wouldn't let me.

At last, I just let it go. I know I had asked him God several times in the past to tell me what to do, but I guess I hadn't fully listened because I feared what He would say. I was afraid that he would tell me to stop, and afraid he'd tell me to press on, at the same time. But more than anything, I just wanted to know His will and be in it because I knew that being in that place would bring the peace and healing I so desperately needed.

God was faithful, and he showed up to my rescue. He gave me the peace to not only take a break from school but to withdraw completely if I so desired. I had to decide what the wisest decision was even though, I was too unwell to really make a big decision. On my 24th birthday, I signed the withdrawal papers. Walking out of VCOM that day, it was like someone had just smashed my internal compass. I felt so lost and alone.

As I searched my heart, I found something surprising and comforting. I discovered a glimpse of freedom. I've always struggled deep down with how on earth David and I would run a balanced, life-giving home if neither of us had any margin outside of work, but I just felt like God would work that out when the time came. I always feared my career would rob my ability to be faithful to God in all my other important roles.

As soon as I allowed myself to entertain the thought of another life, my heart began to feel at peace.
Now more than ever, I had to choose to believe that God has a plan for me that is better than the one I created for myself and thought he blessed. This decision was very, very hard. And in all honesty, I have a feeling the road ahead is going to be quite long and difficult. There will be days where I will have to mourn the loss all over again. But I pray that ultimately the joy will far surpass the sadness. This is essential if I want to get well. I don't know how long it will take, but no more 10-year plans for this lady - I have to take it a day at a time.

Student Doctor Villanueva

Dear God,

It’s hard to believe how calm I am after 2 wks of med school; I am pleasantly surprised at how not stressed out, and not overwhelmed I am. Father, I owe it all completely to you. I am blessed on every side, and it’s all because of your faithfulness to me as your child.

First and foremost, thank you for giving me a husband to do this adventure with. It’s just such a rare blessing to have the one I love most sitting right beside me all day long as I study what I love. Out of the 189 students in our class, only two other students have that blessing.

I praise you for leading us to Bryan College for undergrad and for how well the bio department prepared us for our present studies. We have such a great foundation in the sciences upon which to build, and we owe it all to you.

Lord, I praise you for daily giving me what I need, and I thank your Spirit for giving me peace when I cast my cares on thee. Jesus’ words about not worrying about tomorrow because today has enough trouble of its own are always running through my mind, and it compels me to take life a day at a time, and no more. So many people in my class are planning weeks ahead and are studying way more than I am, and they will probably make better grades than me, but that’s okay.

I want to retain the balanced life you have taught me to see as precious, after all the unnecessary sufferings I caused myself during undergrad. I had such a martyrdom mentality—I felt that my calling to be a doctor justified my tendency to neglect my body’s basic needs (adequate sleep, food) and to give up fellowship with others in order to make the grades necessary for med school acceptance. But really, I was just feeding my pride by trying to perform well in your eyes and in the eyes of others in order to feel worthy of love. Thank you for breaking down those lies and leading me into your Truth that brings freedom.

Before entering VCOM, I even questioned whether or not I wanted to be a doctor anymore because you had changed me so much from the person I once was. I think what scared me most about entering med school was I felt I'd have to go back to the frantic, unhealthy life of striving I once lived as a bio major, and I didn’t want to do that for anything. But now that I’m two wks in, I realize that I don’t have to do that, and I finally have peace about where you’ve brought me.

Thank you for leading David and me to take last year off in order to teach us what is important in life. I wasn’t ready to be in med school a year ago. With my parents’ divorce, being a newly wed, and going through all the health problems I went through this past year, I never would have made it, and you knew that in your infinite wisdom and foresight. So thank you for always knowing what I need and for doing things on your time and not mine.

So, as tests start up this week and the heat rises a bit as new material in large amounts begins to come my way, I pray that you will keep my priorities straight. Remind me always of what you taught me this year: that I am first called to love and serve you with all my heart and to seek your Kingdom; second, I am called to love and serve my husband with all I am, and I am to guard that relationship with all that is in me. I am sure that Satan will attack my marriage before he attacks my calling to be a physician. Third, I am called to love and serve others in such a way that points to You. I am not assured tomorrow, and I need to always live like that.

Treating and seeing patients will not come for another two years; for now, I have my classmates and any other people that you allow me to mesh lives with to love on. You could return before I finish med school, or my life could be taken from me, so I want to burn out bright by being intentional about loving the people around me right now.

It may surprise people to hear me say this, but I’m not going to make every sacrifice necessary to make A’s in med school this year. I will even be satisfied with C’s if I know that it’s my best effort without sacrificing the important things in my life. I commit to you to do my best while cherishing and maintaining the balanced life you've taught me to live, and I ask you for peace in my soul when my performance-driven identity rises up in me and pressures me to go back to my old way of life.

Protect me from the evil one and from myself; examine my mind and my heart, and continue to bring the good work you started in me to completion.

"You keep him in perfect peace
whose mind is stayed on you,
because he trusts in you.
Trust in the Lord forever,
for the Lord God is an everlasting rock."

Isaiah 26:3-4

Virginia Is for Lovers

We are officially moved into our apartment on the Jaamas’ beautiful horse farm in Ellett Valley. Every time we look out our living room doors, we are overwhelmed with awe at how good God is to us. When I think about school starting in three days, I am still unsure of myself and feel very unprepared, but I am resting in who God is and what His promises mean for my life to keep me focused. I am praying for my broken body, my anxious mind, and my fearful heart as the beginning of our new life approaches.

Waking up this morning to the absolutely stunning sunrise over the mountains visible from our front door, I was overwhelmed with God’s mighty strength and deep love. He has provided everything we need to get us to this point, yet I have doubted Him so much the last few weeks. As my health has waxed and waned and my motivation has flicked like a light bulb ready to burn out, I have wondered if I had misheard my God concerning the path I am pursuing.

There are times when I feel like there is no way I can make it, and the harder times are when I don’t know if I want to. But this morning, as I read Matthew 14 and 15, God reminded me that He will provide; like in the story of Jesus and his disciples feeding the 5000, the disciples were focused on what they had to feed the people. Discouraged, they asked Jesus to send the people away. But Jesus told them to give what they had to him, and he made it more than enough. I am reminded that if I too give Jesus all that I have, he will multiply it into more than enough to do His Father’s will.

Then I read the story of Jesus walking on the water, and the Spirit showed me that I’ve been making the same mistake as Peter by looking at the raging winds and waves that are around me and the storms that are to come, and I have not ceased in calling out to Jesus to save me. But as Jesus said to Peter, I have little faith and much doubt, but there is no reason to doubt. There is plenty of reason to doubt myself, but this journey isn’t dependent on who I am. Jesus is going to take me through—I can put by trust in him and not be shifted like the waves around me being tossed by the winds. Medical school is going to be the hardest things I’ve ever done, but all things are possible through Jesus.

Lastly, I read the parable when Jesus told the Pharisees about what is clean and unclean. He accuses them of praising God with their lips but their hearts being far from God. He then explained to them that what they eat doesn’t make them unclean; it’s what comes out of their heart that makes a person impure. My prayer this morning, Father, is that you would continue to make me a woman after your mind so that my mind and heart will be transformed in such a way that your Kingdom reigns over my life. I know that David and I are sinful, but we are your children, and you are so Great that you can use us as lights and salt in Blacksburg for the next few years. Humble us, Father, and do not let our pride rule us. Protect us from ourselves with your discipline.

Father, thank you so much for bringing us here. I feel like one big adventure is ending and the biggest one is starting today. Life with you is such an adventure. There are times when I wish you would do things a different way, but I have nowhere else to go and no one else to follow. There are times when you let me walk your road with arms full and other times, you let me take nothing for the journey. There are times when you tell me not to look back, not to the dead or to family or to my sinful youth. You constantly encourage me to die so that I may live, and you have never told a lie although you’ve watched me tell so many. My lack of faithfulness has never nullified yours, and I know that you are capable of taking me to where you want me. Along the way, help me to seek your Kingdom before all other things in my life, to love my husband better than myself, to see others as Christ has allowed you to see them, and to do all things whole-heartedly for your glory and never to make a reputation for myself.

Amen.

The Answer

It has been four days since the CMDA interview, and we have heard nothing from the CMDA. But at about 9 p.m. tonight, I got an email from the female candidate congratulating David and me on getting the scholarship! I was like, "What is she talking about?" David checked his email—and found nothing. David called the candidate and asked her to clarify, and she said she got the email at noon. She forwarded it to us, and there it was: David had been awarded the scholarship and he somehow didn't get the email!!!!!!!!! It turns out that Dr. Stevens wrote us the award email the Thursday of our interview! God must have known he needed to teach us much by having to wait. We finally had the direction we’ve been searching and waiting for!

The news came just in the nick of time; the NHSC app is due in a week, and we haven’t the time or the desire to complete it. After dreaming of getting the CMDA $ and heading straight to the mission field, nothing else seemed worth our efforts.

We fell on our faces and just praised God for his direction and provision. We’re gonna be missionaries! We called everyone who had been praying for us and told them the news.

Elisa took us out for chocolate chip pancakes at IHOP to celebrate. We are just so thrilled; so overjoyed. We know that we did nothing to deserve this—it is all a result of God fulfilling His calling, purposes and plans. We cannot wait to watch him provide for us the rest of the way.

This is unbelievable; our greatest dreams come true. And we receive it all in humility, knowing that it’s His work, and His alone. Thank you to everyone who prayed for us, and thank you, Jesus!

We only have two days left of teaching—it’s hard to believe. Then it seems the summer will fly by. June is jam-packed with the Outer Banks trip, Julie’s wedding, going to AL for Granny’s heart surgery, and then the McKee reunion. In July, we hope to do some sort of backpacking trip with Jonny, followed by a move to VA for a missions class led by the Hopkins. Then we can return to Bama to see Nikola and for David to be in Tim’s wedding; at last, we will settle down in Blacksburg for good to prepare for the commencement of classes on Aug. 12th!

Steury Scholarship Interview

On our way to Bristol, TN, exhausted and brain-dead from a long week of end-of-the-year teaching, we could hardly believe that such a day had come. The opportunity to meet and glean wisdom from Dr. David Stevens and all the Christian Medical and Dental Associations (CMDA) staff was too good to be true—a gift that was freely given us by God.

For the past year, the biggest question besides “Will we get into med school?” has been “How are we going to pay for our education?” There have been three main tracks all along that we’ve considered. The first was the military. We could join the Air Force, be taken care of for the next 7 years, and then pay the military back with 3-4 years of service. The second option was the National Health Service Core (NHSC). We would agree to work for any underserved area the government places us in for 4 yrs, and in exchange, they would pay for our schooling and provide stipends to live on. But both of us would have to get that for it to work. Lastly, there is the CMDA Steury Medical Missions scholarship of 100 grand for doctors planning to go immediately on the mission field after school. But they only give out one per year, and the chance of one of us getting that seemed too good to be true.

When David received an email saying he was 1 of 3 finalists for the CMDA missionary scholarship, we were too excited for words. Is this really happening? Could we really get this scholarship? We told as many people as possible about David's upcoming interview and asked for prayer for God's will to be done.

The day of the interview, we met the other two candidates. They are both amazing believers. One young lady named Kristin was a practicing PA in Africa until she realized she needed more training to be as useful as she would like on the mission field, so she went to medical school and just finished year one.

Both candidates are in financial need, just like us, and we all have the same goals and passions. Therefore, going into the interview, there was no stress. We knew that God would give the money to whom he wished, and that He would in fact, without a doubt, provide for all of us in his timing in different ways.

Sadly, we arrived late for chapel because I cannot follow directions. When we arrived, we couldn’t believe how beautiful the CMDA building is. It looks like a mountain lodge, and later, Gene Rudd told us stories about all the amazing things God did in people’s lives during the construction project that took place in 2000.

First, David and I were given a tour along with the female candidate while the other male candidate was interviewed for an hour. We were able to meet and talk with many amazing people, like Susan Carter and Daniel Toleman. David had a blast introducing himself to Susan Carter as the guy who sent her the message, “Hey, hot love, baby face…” one day when he pressed reply instead of forward when trying to send me a CMDA article. She laughed and laughed. Apparently, everyone in CMDA knows about that.

While the female candidate was interviewing, we sat and talked with Mrs. Foulkes, whose husband was a roommate of Ernest Steury. They were missionaries in Africa for 23 years. Later, Jim Foulkes gave us his book about his adventures called To Africa With Love. I later read it over vacation; it was phenomenal.

At last the time arrived for us to interview. We sat down at a long conference table with Debbie (Ernest Steury’s daughter), Jim Foulkes, and Dr. David Stevens. Dr. Stevens began by asking David to tell about himself—his upbringing, education, spirituality, and call to medicine. The interview was a hour long, and sadly, it wasn't our best performance. We luckily got to go out to eat with the panel afterward. I know that David interacted a lot with Jim and Dr. Stevens at lunch. He is so good with people one on one. We really enjoyed our time there.

While the committee went up to decide on who the scholarship would be given to, we went on a trail with the other candidates. We then said our goodbyes and started our 4 hr trip home.

It was in the car that David was really hit with the reality of how off the interview truly was. He was really quiet and frustrated on the way home. My heart went out to him because I know I would have felt the same way. The sadness and uneasiness went on into the night, and it woke us both up in the morning as we tried to prepare ourselves for a crazy last Friday of school. All day, I just felt emotionally exhausted and sick to my stomach over the whole thing. It was safe to say that we both agreed it would be a miracle if God gave the $ to us.

I am so glad that our weaknesses cannot hinder God’s plans—or else we’d both be sunk. David has indeed been praying for humility lately, and I think God is constantly answering him. This morning, we are comforted by Phil 4; we cannot be anxious about the future. We must trust God. I thank you for what we’ve learned through all this, even though we had to learn the hard way.

Thy will be done.

Tension

Wow, I definitely should have written before now; it has been quite the month. Starting with the most recent tragedy, David Wrenn, a young, healthy man and runner at our church in Ramseur went home to be with the Lord on Wednesday, leaving his wife Mary Pat and his three children to mourn. Death is a humbling thing; David and I just sat on the back porch stairs and shed tears over what their family is experiencing.

We also talked about how short and fragile life is and how to live really is to love Christ and to die is gain. Every day is our chance to love others well and to tell them about Christ. We cannot wait until we become doctors to minister to the world. We have to do it now. We are not promised to live through med school or that Christ will tarry his coming that long.

All we have are the people God places in front of us now. Presently, that consists of one another, our church family, our community and our students at Faith Christian School. In the fall, and for the next 4 years, it will be our class at VCOM. I printed out their faces—I am urged to pray for them often.

After Mr. Wrenn’s sudden passing, my mind began to rage with questions and doubts about whether or not medical school is really God’s best for my life. I was trying to finish up some last minute scholarship applications, but my heart was very troubled.

Over the course of this first year of marriage, I’ve really had a change of heart about the future. I’ve never been one to desire motherhood. Whether that's because I have had gynecological issues that threaten infertility, or whether that's because my personality has always been more career-focused, I'm note sure. Nevertheless, I am entertaining thoughts about being a mom for the first time in my life, and I want the margin to be a good one. I don't know if I'll have biological children or if they will be my kids through adoption, I want to be present and involved, and it's hard for me to imagine that at a doctor. I wish I at least knew of a female doctor who is currently doing this well. I have so many questions.

One night I couldn’t sleep, and neither could David, so I told him about what was on my heart.  He said that no matter what happens, he would be okay with what I chose to do—if I wanted to go to PA school or nursing school in order to start a family, he said he would support me. But if I wanted to do med school, he said by all means, we'd do it together.

Ultimately, I just want to do what God wants. I am trying to just be still and listen to him instead of all the other voices—my mom says I will regret it for the rest of my life if I don’t go to med school. My dad says he’d rather me not go to med school and just focus on jobs that would have more flexibility. David sees how God can use either path for His glory, and so do I. No path seems completely right. Perhaps there isn't necessarily a "right" path.

After much prayer, I feel like I am supposed to continue on the path I am on. I remember my junior year, God gave me a peace during my transition from being set on PA school to choosing med school. That peace included God's promise to one day show me how to be able to balance family and medicine. He gave me that peace then; I have to choose to rest in that same peace now.

Every since I got over pneumonia and got off my birth control this past month after taking it for 11 years, I feel like my health is gradually improving. My body has more energy and my mind is clearer, and for the first time in months, I feel like I can actually do med school this fall. I have nothing but praises for God. David says he can see it too. I am being restored. I really was starting to think it would not happen, but I feel like His grace is renewing me once again for the Call I received so long ago.

We took the middle school on a field trip to New Bern, NC to visit the Tryon Palace, Fort Macon and the beach yesterday. On the way back, one of my 6th grade students had a headache. I felt such compassion for her, and I took her into my lap on a pillow and rubbed her hair to help her go to sleep on the way home. I prayed and prayed for her, and I was so glad to watch the headache subside. In that moment, I actually did the strangest thing - I praised God for my headaches, not because I want them, but because they have given me a compassion for others who suffer.

I am very excited about going to Bristol, TN for the CMDA interview with David in 6 days! If he receives that scholarship, wow, what an adventure we will knowingly have entered. We also hope to receive wisdom from the people we meet there about what it will be like for us both to become physicians & how that will affect family and so forth.

I cannot believe there are only 10 days left of teaching. Then the summer! This summer will fly by I think. We have the trip to the Outer Banks, Julie’s Wedding, the McKee reunion, Tim’s wedding, Nikola coming in, our move to VA and whatever else we stuff in there. I also need to choose a health care provider for med school by June 12th.

Our anniversary is Monday—one whole year. I am looking forward to journaling about our first and ever so crazy year of marriage. We hope to go camping soon to celebrate and to visit Sea Grove for our first pottery piece. I am convinced I have the best husband in the world.

John Heaphy

Yesterday, I reached my breaking point. I woke up with a piercing headache that I prayed would subside, but as the day went on, it only worsened. Every time I tried to think or process information, it would throb so hard that pain would shoot through my skull. As the hours and classes passed, it became more intense, and several times, I fled to the bathroom and wept, overwhelmed and discouraged. After school, feeling lower than I've felt all year, I went home and took a lot of medicine and fell asleep on the couch until David came home.

It was the night we had planned to visit our dear friend John Heaphy in Winston-Salem, so I pulled myself off the couch to meet him as promised. On the way there, I told David through tears how tired and frustrated I’d become. I told him I felt like a shell of who I used to be, and I don't remember what it felt like to be happy. My head hurt the whole drive, and David rubbed my head to relieve me of some of the discomfort as he drove.

The time with John was refreshing and fun, but it was so hard to cope with the way I was feeling. To make matters more interesting, the Beast’s battery died (the Beast is my 2003 Honda Civic) when we picked up John at the Rescue Mission. One of the chaplains jumped us off, and off we went to AutoZone to get a new battery. Sadly, the Beast died again in the left turn lane right in front of the AutoZone. We got out and pushed the car back to give people room to go around. A man in a green jeep behind us named Rob got out of his vehicle to help.

Poor John had to stay with the car to direct traffic around our dead vehicle. I talked with Rob some at AutoZone and found he was headed to Sri Lanka soon for business. We bought a 2-yr battery because that’s all they had, and David and Rob installed it. The Beast was as good as new, and we thanked Rob for his kindness.

We decided to skip on church, which I was glad about, so we could spend time in conversation with John. We took him to Burger King by his request, and he had his first whopper in 6 years! He told us his life story and testimony in detail, and it was just so amazing. To think that he attempted suicide 3 times after his girlfriend of 5 yrs left him, yet every time something kept him from succeeding! He says he is “hard-headed,” but that he finally realized God had a plan for his life. At work, a man witnessed to him and he accepted Christ after attending church with the man a few times. He said the most appealing thing about God was that he really chooses to talk to us through the Spirit. Over time, though, John lost his job and stole a car to have a way into prison where he could at least have food and shelter. He served 10 yrs for the crime, but once he got out, he still had no work and no hope, so he stole a car again to earn him a second term. That is when we came into his life—when he was finishing up his last year of prison.

Now that he’s at the Rescue Mission, he is working in the phone room. My prayer for him is that God would provide him employment before his 90 day period concludes. I also pray that his foot continues to heal so that he will be unlimited in his capabilities.

Visiting John, to me, is always like visiting Jesus—the Gospels make that so clear. Whatever we do to others, we do unto Christ himself. That restores my soul. And even in the midst of the discomfort my head was experiencing last night, my soul was well and even joyful.

I went to sleep by the grace of God right when we got home, but I woke up with the same headache. I decided to just do my best today and go on to class. But PRAISE BE TO GOD, by 1st period, my headache was gone, and I felt like a new person completely.

If someone could have seen my thoughts yesterday and then could compare them with my thoughts today, they honestly would not believe I am the same person. All I can do is give God the glory for He chose to have mercy on me. I know David has been praying for me, and I also remember my sobbing prayer yesterday on the chair in the spare room: “Daddy, daddy please help me. I cannot take the pain anymore. You alone are my God and I need you. Please tell me you hear me; do not look away. Restore me, or give me the strength to go on. I’ve got nothing left.”

He has restored me today. I don’t know what tomorrow holds, but the Word says today has enough trouble of its own. I just want to praise you, Father, for healing me. I pray that you will continue to revive my body so that I can go on to learn medicine and practice it for your glory until I die or your Son returns for your glory, AMEN!

I ask that you continue to show me what it means to trust that you know what I need even when it's painful.