Remember God

As I write this, I’m enjoying the beautiful sunshine of AL, the comforts of my home of origin with all its fun and familiarity, and the blessing of having so many loving hands to help with Blake. My apartment in Blacksburg, VA, is without power and water due to the snow storm, and I am glad to have a warm place to take refuge. But someone very important is missing, and that's David. He is working night shift in the emergency room in Wytheville, and living in VCOM housing for the weekend. The verse in Ecclesiastes comes to mind, “What does a man get for all the toil and anxious striving with which he labors under the sun? All his days his work is pain and grief—even at night, his mind does not rest.” I can see the fatigue brought on by 3 yrs of medical school on his face. It’s not just the demands and stress of his training that is burdensome, but not being able to provide for Blake and me. I’m so glad that we are almost at the end of that tunnel. Just a year and a half, and he’ll be getting a pay check, however small it may be. I look forward to that, not just for security, but to see my hard-working husband get the compensation he deserves.

This season of medical school has been harder on me than I ever expected. The combination of my parents divorcing, being sick for several years, having to put aside everything to heal and get back on my feet and refocus, only to be blindsided by a surprise pregnancy, have my body wrecked to bring him forth, and then all the postpartum difficulties…God knows it’s been a hard 3-4 years. So often, I wish I could edit some of the painful parts of my story. But I have hope that there are better years to come—for our marriage and our family--and I still have hope that God will bring good from all the bad. I often think, "If we made it through all that, we can make it through what’s next," as much as I wish there were no more hard things coming.

One thing I have learned the past few years is that everyone struggles. All people have troubles—believers and nonbelievers alike—and it is foolish to wish to have someone else’s life. We are all broken. We all have a reason to put the past away and hope for better days. We all have to face down our demons, although, we all struggle with different things. Everyone shares the same fate. And “time and chance” happen to us all. King Solomon of old warned us that it is not wise to say, “Why were the old days better than these?” It is not wise to say these things because one, those days are not as good as you remember them to be, and two, it is impossible to go back. All we have is the present. It is better--as Solomon found out the hard way--to eat, drink, and be glad in all things so that joy will accompany you in your work all the days of life God has given you under the sun.

Solomon, wise with age and life experience, urged us to “remember your Creator in the days of your youth before the days of trouble come and the years approach when you will say ‘I find no pleasure in them.’” I understand this advice now. I understand, now that the days of my youth are closing and the days of trouble have come and continue to come. “Remember God,” I say to my downcast soul. Remember that your spirit will return to Him and you will have peace. Do not lose sight of him, oh my soul, even though you see him through a glass dimly and hardly understand his ways. Remember him, for to whom else shall you go? Life is too hard to have no where outside of yourself and the aid of others to turn to. 

My son Blake is so much like his father...like the way he HAS to pay attention to everything around him. He just can’t miss a thing. No time to sleep when there’s things to look at, listen to, and be a part of! And his serious expressions, oh, so David. He studies everything and everyone with a look that is so identical to a look David has when he's in study mode. So much to observe—a whole world to explore. He brings such joy to my life. It makes me sad to think about him having to face the sorrows of this world and the temptations his flesh will afford, but what can I hope for him more as his mother than for his life to be God’s? I want to protect him from all pain. I want him to have no hardships. I want only happiness for him, and never disappointment. But he is not mine. He is God’s. So God help me to trust you with him, for in reality, even my best efforts at love fall extremely short of your care for Blake. Help me to resist the urge to always rescue him from pain, and help me help him find You faithful in it so that he can have peace with you no matter what comes. May Blake know you better than I do, Lord. May I learn to find satisfaction in my work during all seasons and find my enjoyment in You, God, and the things you give so that Blake can learn these things from my life.

I went for a walk with my cocker spaniel Mocha today just to think. I feel like all I do the last few months is think, analyze, pray, acquire information and opinions, and think some more. I would say all I think about is “to go to PA school, or not to go to PA school…’tis the question!” But that’s not really true. Ever since Blake was born, I just think about everything. I think about my life—I remember the past, try to make sense of the present, and wonder about the future. I think about my parents, my education, my experiences and relationships and how those things have shaped me into who I am today, for better and for worse. I think about my mortality, the fleetingness of life on this earth, and how hard it is to grow up. I think about God, who he is and who is not, who I wish he was and who I wish I was. And I think about the bitter-sweetness of the human experience. But as Solomon wrote centuries ago, “When times are good, be happy. But when times are bad, consider: God has made the one as well as the other.” 

I sigh under the weight of the realization that I don’t have nearly the control over my life that I once thought I did, and I am faced with the reality that the only one who is in control is God. That is supposed to bring me comfort and peace since he is all-good and all-loving, but the pain, suffering, and wickedness that he allows in the lives of his children makes trusting him a bit hard for me. I grew up with a father who would do ANYTHING to rescue me from pain. Even now, there is no limit to his love in action for his only daughter. But God doesn’t seem to be as interested in rescuing me from the pains of this life. He seems way more concerned about using all things to make me holy, to bring himself glory, and to detach me from this world and reattach me to him. But most of the time, especially when I’m hurting, I want God to be more the rescuing type.

I still often wonder where God was in the darkness of my seasons of depression and panic. I’ve never felt so alone, so hopeless. I can relate to King David in the psalms when he says his eyes were worn out from tears and his bones ached with sorrow from searching for his God. When it all comes down to it, that’s why I fear going overseas to do mission work in the future. I picture going somewhere, and giving up everything here to do so, and then I fear God withdrawing his presence, and I never want to experience that darkness again. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to blame God for all the hard things in my life or in the lives of others. I just don’t understand how he works. I have a hard time having a conversation with God when I can’t see him or hear him. I have a hard time following the Spirit’s lead when there are so many voices and I have so many vices. Most of the time, I just feel like a failure in life. I don’t feel that way just because life hasn’t turned out like I had hoped for or planned. I feel the weight of my sinfulness and inability to love well. I guess I struggle to rest in God’s grace and to accept myself with all my flaws. It’s tiring to be so introspective and so constantly aware of my sin. So, if you are a person of prayer, and if you ever think to pray for me, pray that I will rest in the grace and love of Jesus. 

When I’m resting in those things, as rare as those moments have been for me, I am at peace, and it’s a peace that no circumstance can thwart. Oh, peace. As I get older, peace is the most desired virtue. No money in the world can buy it. No situation or success can warrant it. Only peace that is given by the Spirit of God himself is true peace. That peace, for me, is when all striving ceases, my imperfectionism in all areas doesn’t matter, and I feel free. Perhaps that’s the closest taste of heaven I can know this side of Glory. Out of that peace, I best love others. Out of that peace, I best serve God. Oh, that blessed peace that Paul says surpasses all understanding. Remember God, I say to myself. Remember God, and find rest.

I Think I've Become a Grown-Up

Well, it's official. I'm a mom. It was definitely a transition to no longer just be known as Jana Watson three and a half years ago when I married my husband David. In addition to being the daughter of Janet and Warren Watson, I became Jana Villanueva, or another way of saying it, "David's wife." But in addition to that mega life change, nine weeks ago I became Jana Watson Villanueva, the mother of Blake Marshall Villanueva. And by Joe, I think I've become a grown-up.

I wasn't ready to have a baby. Pregnancy took me off guard completely. It wasn't my plan, and I didn't welcome the reality of it readily. I wanted to be happy. Pregnancy is a gift from God; I know that, but I had so many things I wanted to do first. The gift of new life was acknowledged by my soul, but the timing was premature according to my mind and heart, and I don't think I really came to terms with it all until several weeks after that new life arrived. That was just my experience, in the raw.

While pregnant, I deeply missed freely participating in the things that I believed identified me, like playing soccer, riding my bike, running long distances, and pursuing a career in medicine. I thrive on being independent and spontaneous. I love coffee and chocolate and have always firmly believed that the intake of both, especially at the same time, can cure any bad day. And I really, really appreciate the migraine drug Imitrex, for without it, I would have a very difficult time enjoying my life. Pregnancy interfered with all the things I loved and held dear. First, I realized that week-long migraines were just going to have to be accepted since I couldn't take Imitrex while pregnant. In fact, I celebrated my positive pregnancy test by laying on the couch in extreme pain for several days with a migraine I had no way of treating.

Strike One.

Then I had to face the reality that the Physician Assistant School I had worked so hard to get acceptance to was no longer going to be my destination in the fall. No, instead I would be eight months pregnant wobbling around peeing every half hour feeling miserable. So many questions ran through my mind as the admission department told me the best they could offer was a year's deferral. Would I be able to go to PA school with a one year old while David was still tied down by medical school? That seemed absurdly difficult. What would I do for child care--all we have is loan money! I began to feel like it was God's idea of a practical joke to gift me with the ability to understand science and create in me a passion for medicine only to ask me to bury it in the sand.

Strike Two.

Next, I had to say goodbye to the marathon and century I was training for with my husband. I kept running for most of my pregnancy, even though it hurt every step by the end, and I was going so slow it was really a classified shuffle. But it was the century race that was the hardest. The day David signed up without me was crushing, and I don't think I could have explained the depth of disappointment I was feeling inside to anyone. I felt so limited. So trapped. I slowly lost the permission to play soccer as the months went on. By the third trimester, I couldn't even walk over a couple miles because I was in so much pain.

Strike Three. How many strikes are there until you're OUT?! Too many loses to mourn all at once.

I could write all day about the hardships I faced emotionally while growing baby Blake inside of me. It took me almost six months just to embrace the fact that this was God's plan for this season of my life. Then I began to fear the future. I feared childbirth, I feared parenthood, and most of all, I feared losing myself in the mom role. I have seen too many women get completely lost in caring for their children. And, I wasn't ready to give up my independence. I like being able to go on spontaneous dates with my husband. I like going out for a run or ride whenever I feel like it or hitting up a coffee shop to journal or chat with a friend. I cherish hot showers, reading books, road trips, going out to eat every once in a while, and going on exploratory hikes. And I am very comfortable with being a student. I like having time to myself to study and master material and then to be tested on that material and get a score that quantifies my efforts and helps me be satisfied with my work. I love all these things, and I was no ready to give them up. It made me cry to think about it.

This is just the honest truth. And if God has taught me anything over the past few years it's been to be honest with him and others about my life and what goes on in my heart. It's the only way to grow and it's the surest way for God to receive glory as he brings good out of my messiness. I had a friend tell me that I should not complain about being pregnant and be grateful out of respect for all the women who try to get pregnant but can't. I remember feeling like forcing myself to feel like that was no more helpful than for me to always clean my plate because there are starving children in Africa. I want to be grateful. But I want to be authentically grateful, and I believe that the Spirit of God within me is powerful enough to handle my struggles, and He can take my ingratitude and change my heart over time and enable me to choose thankfulness by His strength and grace. Then who gets the glory? Me, for being so good at guilting myself into telling people I feel grateful for something that inside really sucks? Or God, for working inside of my heart to change my attitude to be like His? You get the picture.

So now, nine weeks postpartum, I think I've become a grown-up. And by that I mean I've surrendered to the death of self that God is asking of me in order to care for my baby during this season of my life. I've matured into motherhood, not quite as gracefully as I would have liked, but the transition is occurring slowly but surely, and I can say I am finally grateful to be Jana Watson Villanueva, David's wife and Blake's mom. I am learning that my identity is not wrapped up in the athletics, the academics, or in the things I can and cannot do or eat. Nor is my identity defined by my relationship to my parents, husband or child. Who I am is  unswervingly and eternally rooted in the way I uniquely display the image of God. No one else can live my story. It was written by God especially for me, and the glory He brings to himself through my failures and sufferings is what my journey on this earth is about. The things he teaches me about himself, myself, and others is what makes life worth living.

I can laugh at myself now as I seemingly have "new mom" plastered across my forehead as I easily go a full week without a shower, get excited when I can check off one item per day from my to-do list, and carry a diaper bag and breast pads wherever I go. However, I am being refined by my Maker in the process. In the midst of having to let go of my independence, spontaneity, and sense of control over the details in my life, I am finding a form of freedom I did not expect. I am gradually setting perfectionism aside (cause who has the time or sanity for that?) and letting the grace of God reign. The depression that darkens the door of my soul so often and the anxieties that war against my mind day in and day out are not going to paralyze me forever. I am learning to take my anxious thoughts to the God of my life who can be trusted, even when I'm in pain or experience loss.

As a new mom, I feel constantly exhausted and weak, overwhelmed and inadequate. I feel like I can do nothing in my own strength...and this is such a God-glorifying place to be! I can rest in His ability to work in my life, whether or not I can successfully breastfeed my child for a year, become a medical professional, or run 26.2 miles. I am humbled by how much self-denial and hard work caring for a baby can be, and I am in awe of all the moms who care for their children day in and day out because they love them. I respect and appreciate my own mom more as well as I experience the sacrifice it takes have the responsibility to care for another human being. A lot of the things that used to matter so much and seem so big and so important now seem so insignificant and small. And as it goes with all hard things in the life of a Christian, God is using it all for good to make me more like Him and to prepare me for whatever next season my life holds. He's the author, of the good chapters and the hard.

Well, I'm a mom. I'm a grown-up. I accept it, and I trust that it'll keep getting better with time.

A Symphony of Blase

I’m not sure that I could feel more blasé. I’ve been sick for a week with strep and some sinus viral ninja that refuses to let me return to normalcy, no matter how much I try. But really, the last 3 weeks as a whole have felt so melancholic, and I can’t seem to pinpoint why. I do miss David, who is definitely preoccupied with studying for the infamous Boards exam, and I completely understand that. But I still miss him. We are celebrating our three year anniversary this week; it’s strange how such amazing gifts and undeserved blessings can become familiar and common. Marriage is like that. David is the love of my life, a man I desired to have and hold for three years during college without much hope of it ever becoming a reality, and now, I’m celebrating 3 yrs as his wife, and it feels surprisingly ordinary. I have an amazing husband who loves me and cares for me daily. It’s just a testament to how we were made for a greater romance, the one with the true Bridegroom. I long for Him, and I long for the way things were meant to be, not just in the world around me, but in my own internal world. Don’t we all?

The thing is, generally I can peg my dissatisfaction on something not going right in my life or on something that I don’t have, that if only I obtained it, I would be happy. But right now, in this season of my life, if I’m honest with myself, God has not withheld any blessing from me. I’m pregnant with a seemingly healthy little baby boy, I have the best husband in the world, a loving family and family-in-law, lots of great friends here and abroad, my material needs are all met, and I’m healthy (besides the temporary bug I’m fighting)…the list could go on and on. I’m so blessed on every side. But I still feel sad or empty or lacking in some way. Why are the greatest moments of life on this earth still devoid of enough-ness?

I’m getting older day by day, and the beauty of my youth is fading before I ever fully saw the beauty I hoped I’d see in myself and enjoyed it. Life goes on just as it always has since the beginning of time, cycle upon cycle of life and death, joys and sorrows, pain and relief. We all go to such great lengths to just feel like everything is okay, or that at least it will be really soon. For me, I know that one day, everything will be okay. I have that hope in Christ,the vision and longing for the new heaven and earth that God has promised to those who are his children, which is what I am by grace alone and no merit in myself. But why don’t I go out and proclaim this truth to the world daily with great joy! Why do I instead retreat to a blanket and a cup of tea or spending time with people who are easy and make me feel at home with myself? Why after encountering the love of the King of Glory do I still err on selfishness more times than not? How long oh Lord will you wait to make it all right?

I get chills when I read the words of God that offer promises of things like “restoration,” “new wine,” “redemption,” and “new life.” I know deep down that when I look forward to little things like the next fun event, fulfilling accomplishment, encouraging accolade, material purchase, hot meal, life change, new start, crazy adventure, or time with people I love, I’m really just finding the motivation to keep walking this lonely journey through earth. But each of those motivational moments passes by and fades, leaving me empty again wanting more. It’s only the words of God that help me care about this life and what it means.

I’m so messed up. So inconsistent. And hypocritical. Stubborn. Great at and willing to justify my actions and quick to judge the actions of others. I self-protect & manipulate. I’m like a wave tossed by the wind at times; I am often the man who looks in the mirror and then forgets his reflection as soon as he walks away. Am I being too hard on myself? Never. These things are true about me. They are my vices, and that's not all of them, folks. I know that I know my sin better than anyone, and that’s only because the Holy Spirit refuses to let me walk around with a big head in complete ignorance of who I am apart from Christ.

But I am so glad that God knows all of this about me and chooses to show me patience, grace, and love all because of my hero and life source, Jesus Christ. My greatest joy, hope, and motivation in this life is this: “Set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed,” in 1 Peter 1:13. My whole hope for happiness, satisfaction, and acceptance is in standing before God one day and saying, “I have nothing to say but I deserve anything you see as just. But one thing I have done, and even this only by divine aid: my hope is set on the extension of your grace to me by the blood of Christ, which is able to powerfully purify all my wretchedness.”

Isn’t this the beauty of the Gospel? That even though I know God’s Word and have grown up into Christ for almost two decades, I am still a sinful creature concerned much with creature comforts and the pleasures of this world, yet God will finish his work in me. This is how he receives the most glory, I do believe, on the Day of the Lord. I will stand before the Bridegroom pure, white, without blemish, and glowing with righteousness, and I will be worthy of marrying Love himself. This is an indescribable miracle. As I struggle through the dailies in this life, and I sigh in front of the mirror as I use cosmetics to cover the acne scars and blemishes, bathe in the warmth of showering waters to cleanse myself of the filth from the day before, and try to make myself presentable enough for the world to bear…I look ahead to the day when I will glow with the beauty of Christ flawlessly without putting forth any effort at all. Thinking of that day is enough to push through today—all the messiness of life, the meloncholy that not even Starbucks can cure, the shattered dreams, the confusion and chaos or misunderstanding others and being misunderstood, all the sickness and loss, the suffering and shame, the having to live with one’s self before a holy God who sees all things…it’s manageable only because of Jesus, Immanuel, God with us.

Thank you, Jesus. Thank you for hope, the very food that energizes the soul and helps us press on to the finish line where we will meet you face to face. "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy, he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead. We are birthed into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil of fade, kept in heaven for us. Through faith we are shielded by God's power until the coming of salvation is revealed in the last days. In this we greatly rejoice, though now for a little while we suffer grief in all kinds of trials." 1 Peter 1: 3-6

Take courage, friend, and be strong in the loving grace of our Savior Christ the King. Life's hard. Everyone's is. But you're gonna make it.

He Wounds and He Heals

“See, I am the only God. There are no others. I kill, and I make alive. I wound, and I heal…” (Deut. 32:39)

Dear Father,

These last few months have been the most difficult months internally and physically I have ever known. This is not my attempt to really understand “why” nor do I think you owe me anything. All I want is to learn what you want me to learn and be free of the suffering. But I have learned an even greater, much more difficult-to-swallow truth—you have not only allowed this period of hardship in my life, but you DESIGNED it. You wound and you heal.

I’ve always had a head-knowledge of that reality—that you use all things for good for those you love according to your will. But it’s one thing to know that and a completely different thing to believe it when the darkness is suffocating you without relief. It’s one thing to believe you are good when everything is going as planned and when I am healthy and comfortable. But I have to go to a whole other level to believe you are good when I know that you in your divine sovereignty planned this storm. It is one thing to say I trust you when I am succeeding at my dreams, but it’s a whole other animal to trust in you when my whole world is shaken and I feel like every day is my last.

This is what I’m learning through this season of suffering: you wound and you heal, but you do it because you love me, and you know what I need. You know where I must be refined and you know that sharing in Christ’s sufferings is always an opportunity for me to know you more. And you know that the world is a mess filled with broken, hurting people that need to know that your Gospel was meant for them; the more I can identify with the sufferings of Christ and of others, the more I believe you can use me.

Not being well for so long for so many inexplicable reasons has really taken its toll on my heart and my mind. I’ve felt so misunderstood by others as I concurrently struggle with understanding myself. I’ve come up with a lot of logical, probable causes for my health problems, the latest of which has been relentless anxiety accompanied by terrifying panic attacks. For one, I have run myself ragged for the last 6 years of my life, always striving and stressing; for that, I blame no one but myself. Two, I’ve been through a lot of emotionally trying things that perhaps I haven’t properly dealt with, like wounds from past relationships, my parents’ divorce, and believing lies about you and who you say I am. But I’ve come to the realization that it doesn’t really matter so much why I’m going through this trying time nor should my response be to fix it and make it go away. That is what comes naturally, but it is fruitless. I want to know you more through this, Father, and I want to come out of it closer to you than I’ve ever been.

Everything in my life since I’ve quit med school has pointed me to what you are trying to teach me—that my suffering will never match what my sin deserves, and that NOTHING is outside of your sovereign control. Studying the book of Isaiah has shown me how you use both good and evil to discipline and correct your people.

Listening to the Desiring God series of sermons on your sovereignty in suffering has encouraged me immensely. I really valued what Joni Eareckson Tada said about the crosses that we carry—she, a quadriplegic, made it a point to say that her wheelchair is NOT her cross to bear; she reminded Christians everywhere to never equate our cross with our sufferings. For instance, going through this period of anxiety, my migraines, and my losses in this world are not the crosses I bear. The only cross I bear is my sinful nature—my flesh that must die daily so that I can be as you intended me to be. Your image in me that is so marred can only be restored if I allow you to purge me of my prideful independence from you. You use suffering to bring us to a place of humility where we willing take up that cross and receive the life Jesus died for us to have.

So I guess through all this, I have realized that the sufferings on this earth will never end; my hope is found in you alone, and the harvest of the hope is sown mostly in Heaven, not here. I’m beginning to understand that yes, Jesus did conquer fear, death, sickness, sin, and Satan on the cross, and because Christ lives in me, I am your child and share in His inheritance. But here is the key: only you determine how much of that inheritance I get to experience this side of Glory. I can pray for healing, and you can heal and sometimes will, but not always, for you also get glory from providing the grace to endure. I can ask you anything with confidence, but I must be willing to receive anything with joy.

If Jesus’ execution on the cross was your doing (Acts 2:22), then why should I expect anything less in my life: “For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe in Him, but also to suffer for him (Philippians 1:29).” Father, show me how to endure suffering as a good soldier (2 Timothy 2:3) for I know without a doubt that I struggle not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, authorities, powers, and spiritual forces of evil that war against me because Satan is a roaring lion crouching at my door who wants to have me (Eph 6:12; 1 Pt 5:8)! ! Help me, Father, through your Spirit, to claim authority over the enemy’s schemes, and assist me as I dress in your armor morning after morning to run the race set before me.

Thank you for never leaving me or forsaking me; thank you for sending Jesus to take my punishment—I rejoice that the One inside of me is greater than the one in this world, for Christ has overcome the world (Jn 16:33)! And he is greater than my heart, even when my heart condemns me (1 Jn 3:20).

Lead me and guide me I pray, Lord, as I seek to live a life worthy of you. And protect me from the evil one, in Jesus name. Amen.

Hosea 6:1, “Come, let us return to the LORD. He has torn us to pieces but he will heal us; he has injured us but he will bind up our wounds.”

The Saddest Day

We all as humans plan out our lives, and there are layers upon layers of factors that play into why we pursue and don’t pursue certain things. But we all have one thing in common—we were born into a world that sin has broken, and thus broken we remain until we come to know the God who can make us whole.

Complete wholeness truly can be found in knowing God and being known by Him, but we tend to try everything else before we make that our one and only pursuit. I’ve been fortunate to know God through the salvation Christ offered me freely for close to seventeen years now, yet I am guilty of doing the same thing in my life. The only hope we have is that God is the ultimate pursuer of us, whether or not we are seeking Him as we should. He is faithful to lead us to abundant life, even when we desperately cling to the dreams we create, thinking that in accomplishing them, we will find the rest, identity, and satisfaction for which our souls long. And He also loves us enough to do whatever it takes to bring us to a halt if we are running hard after something less than His best.

We all as humans do plan out our lives, this is true, but the Word of God says that even so, it is He who establishes our steps. I have experienced this many times in my life, but never more than now.

After feeling called to medicine, pursuing medicine, and pouring out all my time and energy into getting into medical school for the last 5-6 years of my life, I withdrew from medical school today.

It was the hardest decision I’ve ever made, but it was also the most important decision I’ve ever made, next to accepting Christ as my Savior and saying yes to the wonderful man I married.

For most of my life, I have placed undue pressure on myself to do something big for God; I felt that if he had given me the mind, ability, motivation, and desire to become a physician, I should do nothing less than that. Part of the problem was my pride—the vice that plaques us all. I wanted so desperately to do something large and hard for the Kingdom. And during my first block of medical school, I highly succeeded in all my classes, causing me to feel even more sure that I needed to stay the course and use my talents well.

But finally, God broke through to my heart, and He has changed it completely. But it has not been as easy road to get here. No, not at all…

The road that brought me to the point of welcoming an evaluation of my dream to be a medical missionary has been one of reoccurring sufferings. Most people who know me are well aware of the poor health I've experienced over the last few years. I'm a sufferer of migraines, digestive problems, and tend to be a susceptible target of every illness with which I come into contact. Through it all--the doctor's visits, the pain, and the prayers, I've just thought I was supposed to push through and endure it, trusting that God is in control and has a reason for everything He allows in my life. I knew that he was teaching me patience, compassion for the sick, and perseverance. I just kept hoping that one day, he'd make me well.

But even into our first block of medical school, my health has worsened. In addition to the headaches and digestive issues, I developed severe and frequent panic attacks, mostly at night. I struggled to eat because the food would go right through me and I was hardly able to sleep due to frequent panic atatcks. My soul began to grow fearful; I've never been afraid of much of anything, not even death, but it's the suffering that leads to dying that is unbearably frightening, and I have felt trapped in intense darkness without a breath of hope or relief.

Nevertheless, my grades remained surprisingly good. But where was God in my sufferings? He himself is my peace, and my peace was nowhere to be found. I was so confused. I began to seriously question again if I was supposed to be in med school, which further intensified my anxiety. I tried to pray, but my chemicals were so imbalanced that I could barely function. I knew something had to change. I couldn't go on much longer, and neither could David.

God is sovereign and good, and it's no coincidence that my land-lord, Diana, has been through some of the anxiety-driven medical problems that I'm experiencing now. She saw my suffering and encouraged me to take some time off from school to address the poor health that has been such a constant part of my daily life for so long. At first, everything in me rejected the thought of stopping short of the dream I've put so much of myself into achieving for so long, not to mention I thought that this was God's call on my life. Taking medical leave would put me a year behind David, so we'd be on different schedules, and I just didn't want to give up. "I can fight through this!" I assured Diana, but in my heart, I knew that I wouldn't make it another week. My body wouldn't let me.

At last, I just let it go. I know I had asked him God several times in the past to tell me what to do, but I guess I hadn't fully listened because I feared what He would say. I was afraid that he would tell me to stop, and afraid he'd tell me to press on, at the same time. But more than anything, I just wanted to know His will and be in it because I knew that being in that place would bring the peace and healing I so desperately needed.

God was faithful, and he showed up to my rescue. He gave me the peace to not only take a break from school but to withdraw completely if I so desired. I had to decide what the wisest decision was even though, I was too unwell to really make a big decision. On my 24th birthday, I signed the withdrawal papers. Walking out of VCOM that day, it was like someone had just smashed my internal compass. I felt so lost and alone.

As I searched my heart, I found something surprising and comforting. I discovered a glimpse of freedom. I've always struggled deep down with how on earth David and I would run a balanced, life-giving home if neither of us had any margin outside of work, but I just felt like God would work that out when the time came. I always feared my career would rob my ability to be faithful to God in all my other important roles.

As soon as I allowed myself to entertain the thought of another life, my heart began to feel at peace.
Now more than ever, I had to choose to believe that God has a plan for me that is better than the one I created for myself and thought he blessed. This decision was very, very hard. And in all honesty, I have a feeling the road ahead is going to be quite long and difficult. There will be days where I will have to mourn the loss all over again. But I pray that ultimately the joy will far surpass the sadness. This is essential if I want to get well. I don't know how long it will take, but no more 10-year plans for this lady - I have to take it a day at a time.

Student Doctor Villanueva

Dear God,

It’s hard to believe how calm I am after 2 wks of med school; I am pleasantly surprised at how not stressed out, and not overwhelmed I am. Father, I owe it all completely to you. I am blessed on every side, and it’s all because of your faithfulness to me as your child.

First and foremost, thank you for giving me a husband to do this adventure with. It’s just such a rare blessing to have the one I love most sitting right beside me all day long as I study what I love. Out of the 189 students in our class, only two other students have that blessing.

I praise you for leading us to Bryan College for undergrad and for how well the bio department prepared us for our present studies. We have such a great foundation in the sciences upon which to build, and we owe it all to you.

Lord, I praise you for daily giving me what I need, and I thank your Spirit for giving me peace when I cast my cares on thee. Jesus’ words about not worrying about tomorrow because today has enough trouble of its own are always running through my mind, and it compels me to take life a day at a time, and no more. So many people in my class are planning weeks ahead and are studying way more than I am, and they will probably make better grades than me, but that’s okay.

I want to retain the balanced life you have taught me to see as precious, after all the unnecessary sufferings I caused myself during undergrad. I had such a martyrdom mentality—I felt that my calling to be a doctor justified my tendency to neglect my body’s basic needs (adequate sleep, food) and to give up fellowship with others in order to make the grades necessary for med school acceptance. But really, I was just feeding my pride by trying to perform well in your eyes and in the eyes of others in order to feel worthy of love. Thank you for breaking down those lies and leading me into your Truth that brings freedom.

Before entering VCOM, I even questioned whether or not I wanted to be a doctor anymore because you had changed me so much from the person I once was. I think what scared me most about entering med school was I felt I'd have to go back to the frantic, unhealthy life of striving I once lived as a bio major, and I didn’t want to do that for anything. But now that I’m two wks in, I realize that I don’t have to do that, and I finally have peace about where you’ve brought me.

Thank you for leading David and me to take last year off in order to teach us what is important in life. I wasn’t ready to be in med school a year ago. With my parents’ divorce, being a newly wed, and going through all the health problems I went through this past year, I never would have made it, and you knew that in your infinite wisdom and foresight. So thank you for always knowing what I need and for doing things on your time and not mine.

So, as tests start up this week and the heat rises a bit as new material in large amounts begins to come my way, I pray that you will keep my priorities straight. Remind me always of what you taught me this year: that I am first called to love and serve you with all my heart and to seek your Kingdom; second, I am called to love and serve my husband with all I am, and I am to guard that relationship with all that is in me. I am sure that Satan will attack my marriage before he attacks my calling to be a physician. Third, I am called to love and serve others in such a way that points to You. I am not assured tomorrow, and I need to always live like that.

Treating and seeing patients will not come for another two years; for now, I have my classmates and any other people that you allow me to mesh lives with to love on. You could return before I finish med school, or my life could be taken from me, so I want to burn out bright by being intentional about loving the people around me right now.

It may surprise people to hear me say this, but I’m not going to make every sacrifice necessary to make A’s in med school this year. I will even be satisfied with C’s if I know that it’s my best effort without sacrificing the important things in my life. I commit to you to do my best while cherishing and maintaining the balanced life you've taught me to live, and I ask you for peace in my soul when my performance-driven identity rises up in me and pressures me to go back to my old way of life.

Protect me from the evil one and from myself; examine my mind and my heart, and continue to bring the good work you started in me to completion.

"You keep him in perfect peace
whose mind is stayed on you,
because he trusts in you.
Trust in the Lord forever,
for the Lord God is an everlasting rock."

Isaiah 26:3-4

Virginia Is for Lovers

We are officially moved into our apartment on the Jaamas’ beautiful horse farm in Ellett Valley. Every time we look out our living room doors, we are overwhelmed with awe at how good God is to us. When I think about school starting in three days, I am still unsure of myself and feel very unprepared, but I am resting in who God is and what His promises mean for my life to keep me focused. I am praying for my broken body, my anxious mind, and my fearful heart as the beginning of our new life approaches.

Waking up this morning to the absolutely stunning sunrise over the mountains visible from our front door, I was overwhelmed with God’s mighty strength and deep love. He has provided everything we need to get us to this point, yet I have doubted Him so much the last few weeks. As my health has waxed and waned and my motivation has flicked like a light bulb ready to burn out, I have wondered if I had misheard my God concerning the path I am pursuing.

There are times when I feel like there is no way I can make it, and the harder times are when I don’t know if I want to. But this morning, as I read Matthew 14 and 15, God reminded me that He will provide; like in the story of Jesus and his disciples feeding the 5000, the disciples were focused on what they had to feed the people. Discouraged, they asked Jesus to send the people away. But Jesus told them to give what they had to him, and he made it more than enough. I am reminded that if I too give Jesus all that I have, he will multiply it into more than enough to do His Father’s will.

Then I read the story of Jesus walking on the water, and the Spirit showed me that I’ve been making the same mistake as Peter by looking at the raging winds and waves that are around me and the storms that are to come, and I have not ceased in calling out to Jesus to save me. But as Jesus said to Peter, I have little faith and much doubt, but there is no reason to doubt. There is plenty of reason to doubt myself, but this journey isn’t dependent on who I am. Jesus is going to take me through—I can put by trust in him and not be shifted like the waves around me being tossed by the winds. Medical school is going to be the hardest things I’ve ever done, but all things are possible through Jesus.

Lastly, I read the parable when Jesus told the Pharisees about what is clean and unclean. He accuses them of praising God with their lips but their hearts being far from God. He then explained to them that what they eat doesn’t make them unclean; it’s what comes out of their heart that makes a person impure. My prayer this morning, Father, is that you would continue to make me a woman after your mind so that my mind and heart will be transformed in such a way that your Kingdom reigns over my life. I know that David and I are sinful, but we are your children, and you are so Great that you can use us as lights and salt in Blacksburg for the next few years. Humble us, Father, and do not let our pride rule us. Protect us from ourselves with your discipline.

Father, thank you so much for bringing us here. I feel like one big adventure is ending and the biggest one is starting today. Life with you is such an adventure. There are times when I wish you would do things a different way, but I have nowhere else to go and no one else to follow. There are times when you let me walk your road with arms full and other times, you let me take nothing for the journey. There are times when you tell me not to look back, not to the dead or to family or to my sinful youth. You constantly encourage me to die so that I may live, and you have never told a lie although you’ve watched me tell so many. My lack of faithfulness has never nullified yours, and I know that you are capable of taking me to where you want me. Along the way, help me to seek your Kingdom before all other things in my life, to love my husband better than myself, to see others as Christ has allowed you to see them, and to do all things whole-heartedly for your glory and never to make a reputation for myself.

Amen.