My First Panic Attack

I experienced perhaps the scariest moment on my life Friday, December 11th. I woke up at 6:30 am, as part of my usual morning routine for a school day, and I jumped in the shower. It wasn’t long before I realized that something was not right inside of me—my chest felt tight as if someone were sitting on top of it. My breathing muscles were fighting to allow my lungs to inspire, but even the steam from the shower could not help them expand. Inside my mind, I knew that the key was to stay calm, so I tried to take deeper breaths, but they proved to be impossible. In a matter of about five minutes, my vision started to blur and dizziness set in.

Right at that moment, I heard David’s voice from somewhere in the bathroom, “Hey, babe, can I get in?” I replied yes. As soon as he opened the curtain, I managed to tell him what was happening to me. “Babe, I need you to help me not panic because I am having trouble breathing…oh, no…oh, no…” And that was the last thing I remember before the paramedics arrived to take me by ambulance to Chatham Hospital.

In the ER room, David told me what the horrible incident was like from his perspective. He said that I passed out in his arms and that my body went so limp that he couldn’t hold me up. I dropped to the floor of the tub like a ragdoll. My body was sheet white, my eyes wide open, and my mouth gaping wide, not breathing. He said he now knows what it would feel like to see me dead. He dragged me out of the shower and into the living room and called 911.

It troubled my soul greatly when the medical professionals could not find a sure cause for my episode of syncope. They ran an EKG, took blood, an X-ray and a CT scan. Everything came back normal. “Have you been under any type of stress lately?” the resident physician inquired. David briefly described that my parents had just divorced and that today was the day my mom was getting remarried. As he talked, my mind drifted back to yesterday when the reality of my mom’s choices hit me hard for the first time. As I looked on Facebook at her soon-to-be husband and two step-children all decorating their Christmas tree in their new house, tears of anger and sadness filled my eyes. I prayed about my sadness and talked to David about my thoughts before bed. I went to sleep in peace, and I woke up this morning in peace. I knew that during the episode this morning, I remained calm the whole time and was in my right mind up until the point everything went black. It did not resemble the panic attacks I have witnessed and read about. I didn’t buy it. Nevertheless, the doctor concluded that what I experienced most closely resembled an anxiety attack, for a lack of a better diagnosis. A panic attack, me? I've never been an anxious person.

I talked to my mom on the phone while I lay in the hospital bed. She was weeping and asking why I couldn’t just be happy for her. “For once in my life, I’m doing something that will make me happy.” After hearing that, I just wanted to let it all go and not let it affect me. I realized that if happiness is dependent on another person, that person will always fail you.  I told her I loved her and that I would be fine.

But as I got ready to go home, I was not fine. I was afraid to leave the hospital without the assurance that the same thing wouldn’t happen again. My chest still felt tight, and I was sincerely scared. I asked for some anti-anxiety meds to see if they might help my chest, and I was given a Xanax that knocked me out for hours. We slept at David’s parents’ house that night to avoid our apartment.

The next day the mysteriousness of what happened began to wear on me. I watched David play with his team in a soccer game and did some make-up school work, but in the back of my mind, I felt like something else caused my syncope that horrendous morning. My mother-in-law Anna asked me if I really thought it was from stress, and I replied, “If it was, I am shocked and overwhelmed by that explanation. It was so traumatic and I still don't feel right.” Yet it is a possibility. It is not every day your parents of 25 years get divorced. And I know I am one to suppress negative emotions, but wow, I had no idea that doing so could cause these symptoms.

That night, on the way back to the apartment, I felt afraid and even sick. My body hurt all over, and my chest was still tight. As we lay down to sleep, I sat up and told David that I was going to sleep sitting up so that I could breathe. This "anxiety" as it had been termed was more difficult than I ever imagined it could be. I went to India with a college friend to do work in a slum school in 2008, and she had intense panic syndrome, fibromyalgia and depression that I struggled to understand. I truly had compassion on her, but I did not know how to empathize. I did not know the all-encompassing depth of these diagnoses...but I was tasting some of it now.

In one of Jesus' last conversations with his disciples before leaving this world, he said, "Let not your hearts be troubled. Trust in God. Trust also in me..." He tells us not to allow our hearts to be fearful or worried because he can be trusted to provide for us here and the next life. Today, I am realizing that his wisdom is hard to practice when your world is crashing down all around you. Lord, help my heart to rest. I am simply in over my head.

Embracing Weakness

Dearest Lord,

I want to thank you for breath and life today. This October has been such a hard month - one of the most difficult seasons of my life. As you well know, the past six months have been strenuous due to my health, and it has taken me until now to find the strength to write about it. Poor immunity and has worn down my body to the point that fatigue is my only constant, and when my migraines attack, I have hurt to the point that death seemed like my only option of relief. Daily headaches and the fog that accompanies them combined with everything else has led me captive into a depression that has taken over my mind like nothing else ever has before. I feel irritable towards people, even the people I love most. I am needy and never satisfied. I have wanted to talk to you, but I didn’t want to feel the distance that was between us. I've wanted to listen to you, but I've been too afraid of what I would hear. I've been afraid to hear you say, “No” to my plea for the restoration of my body. As I write this, I know that words cannot do justice to how I’ve felt these past few months, but to put it simply, you alone know that I’ve never been so low and I am fully aware there is no quick solution.

But today, I want to praise you for being so faithful to me through it all. Being sick has humbled me in ways you knew nothing else could, and for that, I am thankful. As you empty me, I realize more and more that I just don’t have anything to offer except for what you give me to give back to you and others. If I had it my way, I would choose to feel strong again—to feel capable of enduring hard things and carrying heavy responsibilities, but then, I know I would rely on myself and would risk getting the glory that you alone deserve. But here in surrender, I am in awe of how awesome you are and how lifeless I am without you. I am finally at a point where I am embracing weakness so that your power may be made perfect as your grace suffices all my shortcomings.
I have stopped asking you to take away the pain…I have asked you more than enough for that request to be fulfilled, and I have no doubt that you are capable of accomplishing it if you so desire. I realize that for whatever reason, this pain serves a purpose right now in my life, and it has to be a good purpose since you work all things for good for those who are your children. Now, I make a new intercession: that you not let any of my sufferings be in vain. I ask that you use every ounce of struggle to bring me into a closer understanding of who your Son is and what He went through for me, and I pray you use my weaknesses to encourage others who are also traversing the valley of shadows.

Ever since I went to see Dr. Vaughan in Greensboro, I have been improving slowly, and I praise you for Bill & Anna Villanueva’s loving willingness to help me see good health again. The medicine seems to be treating my GI symptoms of constant diarrhea and nausea, and now that I'm absorbing some nutrition, my headaches are improving as well. I can tell I still have a long way to go, but my mood and mind are improving, and for that, I praise you. I feel like I am more myself today, and hopefully I will be able to serve my students at Faith Christian School and my husband David more as my daily tasks become less and less daunting.

I don’t know what my future holds, but I trust you. For the first time, I am able to say that I know you will give me what I need to do what you want me to do, even if my health is poor in my eyes and in the eyes of others. I pray that you will use all the information and difficulties I’ve encountered through homeopathic, chiropractic, osteopathic, allopathic and integrative medicine to best serve others in my medical career to come.

You came for the sick. I feel quite at home in that. Spiritually and physically, you came for me.

I love you,
Jana

Because of God

“Because of God’s great love, we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness! I say to myself, ‘God, you are my portion- all I need. So, I will wait for Him.’ God is so good to those whose hope is in Him – to the one who seeks Him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.” Lamentations 3:22-26

“Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you (Ps 116:7).”

Dear Giver and Fulfiller of Desires- my El Shaddai,

Today I am overjoyed and grateful. My soul wells up with thankfulness unto You for all your goodness, mercy and grace. All of my life, two big questions I’ve wondered. “If you have me to marry, who will the man be?” & “What vocation did you create me for?” Today, I rest in knowing your will for both answers. David, my husband and closest of friends, is my greatest reminder of your grace, love and goodness. I think of our story and the way you brought us together, and I cry facedown with tears of adoration for the way you have fulfilled the desires of my heart. He is my greatest gift from you, aside from your salvation and companionship.

Yesterday, at 11:14 am, David and I were accepted into the medical school of our choice.

“Not to us, God, but to your name be the glory. Our God is in heaven; he does whatever pleases Him (Ps 115:1-3).”

I am without the adequate words to describe how excited I am. I think back over the last four years of searching myself and your spirit to discover with clarity your will for my occupation. You provided jobs, internships, personal illness, and a solid education to prepare and lead me into your will. There were times I was certain I could not do it- times when I wanted an easier race to run or times I focused too much on my inadequacies and decided I could never make it. But you did not let me stray from your purposes. Your loving discipline always brought me back to the path you created me for and you never let me fall.

“If the Lord delights in a man’s way, he makes his steps firm; though he stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with his hand (Ps 37:23-24).”

You do not abandon the works of your hands. “It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect (Ps 18:32).” When I trust in you, I am never disappointed. You “give the desires of my heart and make all my plans succeed (Ps 20:1)” when I allow you to form my desires and plans (Ps 145:16, 19).

All my life, I have constantly tasted and seen that you are good and that those who seek you lack no good thing (Ps 34:8-10). Thank you, Father, for all the ways you are accomplishing the dreams and goals you placed in my soul. My soul will continue to cling to you every step of this race because I know without a doubt that the hardest stretch is still to come.

I look to you, God, and your strength; I will continue to seek your face always (Ps 105:4).”

What amazes me about you is that your love is better than anything in this life and just knowing you is better than any of your gifts. My heart knows in its depths that I can find security nowhere but in my relationship with you because all of the other joys in my life can disappear in a blink of an eye- my husband, my job, my family, my friends, my finances and my health…it is all so temporary.

“My flesh and heart may fail, but God is the strength of my life and all I need forever (Ps 73:26).”

But you do not let me get lost in the fleetingness of this life or in the reality that I am just dust, a vapor, a flower of the field. You alone sustain me and promise me that the best is yet to come.

You are faithful to all your promises and loving toward all you have made. May you use my life to continue to show yourself to the world.

Amen.

The New England Tour!

The month of June has come to a close, as well as our mountain bliss. We just moved into our apartment in Ramseur, NC, which is a lot nicer and roomier than we expected. We are looking forward to school for the first time. It has been so amazing to watch God provide for all our needs. Not only do David and I both have teaching jobs at Faith Christian School, but our medical insurance and rent are taken care of by the school. What a blessing!

We recently found out unpleasantly how much of a blessing having good medical insurance truly is. Before we got on board with the school, I came down with strep while moving into the apartment. We had to unenthusiastically cough up $100 to be seen at Urgent Care, but to my dismay I was prescribed my arch-nemesis in pill form: the Z-pack, which cost me $30 more bucks even in its generic form. To make matters worse, once I took my first dose, I went downhill for the worst. I moved to the couch and spent the night miserably trying to breathe. Allergic reaction, possibly? The Urgent Care clinic finally decided I should discontinue the pack and start Amoxicillin. $25 more bucks. I love health care.

After I finally recovered, David's dad Bill, David and I headed out early the next morning for a two week New England Tour! David and I had to be in Rochester, NY, for Jake Fabry and Cheryl's wedding. Much of Bill's family lives in the New England States, most of which I'd never met, so we decided to make a road trip of it.

First, we zipped through Virginia, passed by the Capitol as we scooted through Maryland. and finally arrived in New Jersey to see Mrs. Barbara Couphos. Barbara is Bill’s great uncle’s wife. Throughout the drive, I daydreamed about what it would be like to teach at Faith, and I realized that perhaps the reason I ended up teaching English in India instead of practicing medicine in the summer of 2008 was to prepare me for teaching at Faith. God is so sovereign. I enjoyed visiting Barbara very much. Her spirit is the quintessence of delightfulness, and she displayed the attributes of Christ in a refreshing way.

We spent the 4th of July driving up to the Woodwards’ place in Cape Cod, Massachusetts. On our way, we encountered a couple hours of sluggish traffic crossing the George Washington Bridge from New Jersey to New York due to a fatal motorcycle accident. David and I decided to walk along to bridge to take some pictures and stretch our legs while Bill sat in traffic. We almost found ourselves in a dilemma when the traffic broke free and began to move up to normal pace. We found ourselves sprinting to the end of the bridge only to reach the end just in time to jump the railing and dive back into the Buick.

We then drove from New York to Connecticut, where we passed signs for Yale University in Stamford. We also stopped in Mystic to see where some of Bill’s relatives once lived on the bay. I basically slept through Rhode Island and woke up in Providence, Massachusetts. We arrived at the Cape shortly after. We thoroughly enjoyed visiting with Pat and Chuck Woodward and had a great time watching fireworks over Cape Cod.

As we journied on, my constant feelings of malaise and head pain did a rather effective job of reminding me of why dedicating my life to the alleviation of people's sufferings is worthwhile. Day after day, I found more and more that I was made for the medical field. God not only called me to it but created me for it, for it is God who assigns each man with his task. My prayer is that God will help me remember the information I gather from multiple sources and that it will be used in time to help others.

After leaving the Woodwards, we traveled through Boston. It’s a beautiful city, with a port covered in expensive boats on sparkling water and many walking parks surrounded by tall buildings. Something about being there made me want to have a tea party.

We soon caught a ferry to Peat’s Island and met up with Bill's sister Robin and her family. I had a developing migraine as we approached the Ferry, but by God’s mercy, it never reached the point of no return, and I was able to thoroughly take in the people I was with. I met Jim, Robin’s honey, and we also met Robin’s children and their families. The island was gorgeous, only a square mile in area. Robin drove us around the perimeter to see all the nice houses and the beach. It was absolutely stunning. God has worked so much in this family. Robin has such a gentle strength. She is a very smooth stone, but only because she has been molded by some intense rushing waters over the course of her lifetime. But God has made himself known to her and has carried her through.

Next, we ventured to Camden State Park and enjoyed a spectacular view of the Atlantic.
The beach was rocky and schooner-covered. We could see so far, all the way to Acadia National Park. We camped out in Camden and woke up to a four hour drive to Moose-country Maine to eat lunch with Mim, Bill's mom. Mim is the best looking woman in their 80s that I’ve ever seen. She was decked out in all blue, which she says is a healing color, and she and Bill share the same soft brown eyes. Mim is a very fun, exciting, informative lady; I enjoyed listening to her and learning about their side of the family and some about her views on health care.

We left Mim to go visit Bill's brother, Carl, and his wife Georgene. Bill unfortunately threw up his seafood on the way, and I have to say I was surprised I hadn’t done the same after eating scallops, haddock, lobster and clams for the first time.

I was totally captivated by the landscape of New Hampshire and Vermont. The mountains and lakes are uniquely beautified by the flora surrounding them— lots of birch, ferns and other tall conifers. Vermont is the “Green Mountain” state. The northern accent is starting to wear on me in a good way. I really liked Maine’s the most.

Carl & Georgene's home couldn't be in a prettier locale. It’s technically in Massachusetts, but it borders Vermont and New York. Carl is a blast. He works for the local college doing film and photography, and he proved to be talented in that area while we were visiting. He always saw the right shot and knew how to capture life in its most videographic moments. The first night, we sat around and conversed. David and I stayed in the “Honeymoon suite” as Carl deemed it, which actually used to be Georgene’s Raefe therapy room. David and I went running in the morning on a route compiled of gorgeous scenery. The area was so green with rolling hills covered with trees and shrubs. We passed a couple red barns on the roadside and a few farms and streams. Later on, we went into Pownal and traveled up to Mount Greylock to look out over the valley. We got to see the view just in time before a storm blew through with lots of hail and rain.

We drove by the house where Bill grew up. We also saw Williamstown and its renowned college. Next, we ventured to Belington, Vermont, just to experience the state. The town was filled with absurd decorated moose. Vermont claims maple sugar as its treat to the world. Then, I had the great treat of visiting the grave and home of American poet Robert Frost before heading back to the house to meet Georgene for a steak dinner.

David and I worked on our budget for the first time. We tried to determine our month’s spending on our soon to be $24,000 income this year. It is going to be tight, but I am encouraged to take on the challenge of learning to live simply and to prioritize giving and ministry over comfort and entertainment.

As I was drifting off to sleep that night, David said, “Jana, I enjoyed watching you interact with people today. It’s always encouraging and challenging.” His words helped me sleep in peace for the first time in a while, just those small words, because they assured me that God could love others through me even when I do not feel well. On my worst days, I just have to strive to focus on others- it is the best medicine I've been able to find.

Finally, after we left Carl's, we headed for Jesse Flint’s house in Rochester, New York, where Ben Whitley is living. We dropped Bill off at the airport, of course not before treating him to Dunkin Donuts! What an beautiful wedding the Fabry's had! We really enjoyed our time in Rochester, getting to see friends. I even got to see Niagara Falls on the Canadian side!

On our way back to NC, we stopped at the Encounter Revival Ministry Camp in Pennsylvania. It was really neat to see where David spent so much of his time the year he traveled with the team. I also got to meet two friends of David's named Matt Geib and Dane Niswander before leaving PA.
By the time we concluded the long drive back to Ramseur, NC, we were exhausted and very ready to get into the work force after being without jobs for the last two months! What an adventurous summer God has graciously allowed!

Mountain Bliss: The 6-wk Honeymoon

Life in the mountains of Cedar Mountain, NC, with the most awesome husband ever was, well, pretty much as good as it gets. David's extended family rented us a cabin for a steal of a deal for 6-wks in an extraordinary location. At the cabin, we enjoyed eating together at the picnic table on the screened-in porch with candles. We only had to go to the grocery store a few times, thanks to David's mom Anna stocking our fridge with delicious, healthy food before we arrived. The weather was completely unpredictable--weather reports in Brevard do you no good; it rains when the clouds feel like it, and it usually "feels like it" whenever you want to go outside to do something. When it was raining hard enough to discourage us from outdoor activities, we either read books or wrote thank you notes to all the people who blessed us so much and made our time of adventure and relaxation possible. Many nights, we slept on a matress on the porch, and while enjoying the night sounds and fresh mountain air, we talked about just how good God is and about how much He has blessed us.

Our 6-wk honeymoon in the mountains was actually more like a "corner" we got backed into. Our original plan was to live in the cabin all summer while working jobs in Brevard. We had traveled to Brevard over spring break to search for jobs, and David got an offer at a health food store, so we felt secure that at least he had employment, but a week before the wedding, we discovered that the job had been given to someone else, so both of us were jobless. Well, thanks to all the wonderful wedding gifts we received from friends and family, we were able to stay in the cabin without having to work! It was like living the dream of our lifetimes.

Every day was an adventure while in the mountains. The first night, we slept in my car during a stormy night because we couldn't find the key to the cabin. We had to climb in through a window the next morning. Some of our daily adventures consisted of mountain biking the trails of Dupont and Pisgah Forest, running nearby trails to look at waterfalls, road biking the Blue Ridge Parkway, and backpacking in Shining Rock Wilderness.

I took some intense falls while mountain biking. Every extreme downhill I practically turned blue in the face from holding my breath as I anticipated a wipeout to come at any moment. Our first trip lasted 3 hrs, which was definitely long enough for disaster to set in. David almost got swept away by a roaring river and my entire quad cramped up only a quarter mile from being finished. Our other trips were better, though. By the end of our stay, David had finally managed to teach me to shift my weight to maneuver the bike a little better. Alas, I still hit some trees and flipped over many rocks to gain some nasty bruises. I swear those trees bite; and I don’t remember doing them a single injustice. Still, I can honestly say I had fun, save for the one trip that I ripped my belly button ring out. We went to a sketchy tattoo parlor to get a new one, but the piercer happened to be a first-timer apprentice, and I becamse his lucky experiment. Not a pleasant experience.


Our road biking expedition turned out to be more of an adventure than we had expected. Our goal was to make it to the highest point of the Parkway. The ascent was absoluately gorgeous, but we ended up stopping short of our goal because I was too tired to go on. As if fatigue was not enough, we hit some serious fog, wind and cold rain on our descent. At one point, we had to pull off the road to huddle for warmth. I was completely numb and shivering so badly that I was having a difficult time keeping my bike on the road. I had never been so happy to see the car when we returned. The sickening part of it all was that we later discovered that we were only one look-off short of the highest point (we just didn't know it b/c of all the fog!).

Another adventure consisted of housing TJ the “train jumper” for a night. TJ's parents divorced when he was nine, and his alcoholic dad beat him bad enough that TJ left home for good and began his life of hitch-hiking and train-jumping. We took him up to the cabin, fed him spaghetti and watched "Into the Wild", which, besides the awkward nudity scenes, turned out to be a really great film. People like Tommy help me remember why the Gospel of Jesus is what life is all about. The grief he has experienced is so deep. I personally don’t think I would have come up with anything better to do with life than what he’s done with his if I had grown up in his circumstances. TJ told us that he does know Jesus as his personal Savior. I pray that he is doing well, wherever he may be.

We tried to make it out for the sunset every evening we could. There is a beautiful lake that sits right below the cabin, and it does a great job of embellishing the sun as it exits the sky. We swam the length of the lake for exercise and enjoyed taking the canoe out to chase beavers (although sometimes, I think they were chasing us).

Our last big adventure was our backpacking trip through the Shining Rock Wilderness. First, we drove up to the Blueridge Parkway, parked at Black Balsam Parking Area, and entered the Shining Rock Wilderness on the Art Loeb trail. Storms were lurking above us and thunder was rumbling across the seemingly endless mountain peaks, but we decided to trudge onward. We stopped hiking at the top of a peak near Mt. Tennet. We found a nice little cubby where we were safe from the wind and set up the tent. We watched the sunset and then hit the sack. The next day was a productive day of hiking, but on our trek back, the unpredictable weather had the last laugh. When we were only about one mile from the car, without any warning an intense storm blew through right as we were reaching the summit of Balsam. We got absolutely drenched. David pulled out the rain tarp from my tent and we shivered under it on top of our packs till the worst part was over, and then we made a break for it. Of course, by the time we reached the car, the skies were blue again. Not funny.

While in Brevard, David and I also made time for completing and sending in our primary med school applications by splitting time at a local coffee shop and the town library. Near the end of our "mountain bliss", we were blessed with an opportunity to shadow a family practice osteopathic physician named Dr. Rachel Brown, D.O. This was crucial for us because in order to apply to osteopathic school, you have to have a recommendation letter from a D.O., so without Dr. Brown, our applications would be incomplete. But God opened up that door for us at just the right time, and we really enjoyed following Dr. Brown around for a few days.

I really like being married. But more than being married, I just really like my husband. He brightens my life is ways I never knew someone could. I really can’t and don’t want to imagine my life without him. David describes marriage as “a satisfaction of lifelong desires.” While this is good, he says, it also puts us in danger of easily forgetting what it was like to have those desires unfulfilled. We both have to make a conscious effort not to take the gift of each other for granted.

Dear Father, I pray that you will do whatever it takes to keep us reminded of how blessed we are to have the friendship and oneness you've given to us.

Something cool I’ve learned about David is that he is really good at figuring out how things work, which is something I couldn’t honestly care less about. I am fascinated by his desire to work on and fix things. I would rather leave it to an expert and call it a day, but I love that he wants to do it himself. I admire him for it. It’s a strength I’ll never have.

I have to say I have the best husband in the whole world. He and my dad are the heroes of my life and the best men I know. David loves me so well, so selflessly. He has spent a large portion of our relationship patiently caring for me as I fight chronic migraines, digestive problems and other medical issues. He takes care of me beautifully. I praise God that we are like-minded in our passions, hobbies and priorities. I’m so glad that we can live simply and use our lives to bless others. I absolutely love life with him, and I look forward to being transformed into the image of Christ as I learn what it means to love him well.