Discouraged

I’ve been sick so much this year, and last night, I finally just poured out my heart to God in the shower as hot water rolled down my face to wipe away the streaming tears. This year alone, I've had mono, strep twice, the flu, pneumonia, a parasite, and constant headaches and migraines. My body has dealt with one thing after another this year. Every time I start to feel like myself again, something comes along and knocks me back down.

In the shower, the verse in Proverbs that reads, “Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart, and lean not on your own understanding” kept going through my mind. I have to admit that if I start medical school feeling this way, I will not make it very long. This semester at school, I am become known as the one who is sick all the time, and in VA, if nothing changes, I will be known as the same, and who knows how long I can keep up with the curriculum.

But God doesn’t call me to lean on those thoughts. He tells me to trust in him and his plan for me. That is what I am trying to do. In Scripture I can think of many times when God allows sickness in people’s lives. Two times are when Jesus says the blind man was blind not because he had sinned but so that the glory of God could be revealed in His life through it, and in Job when God allows Satan to destroy Job’s health to test him. I don’t know if my own habits have caused my poor health, or if God is allowing all this to refine my faith, but either way, I am going to trust him.

Last night as I shared with David my thoughts, he encouraged me greatly in that he has always believed I would come out of this. Somehow, he said, I know you will be well. This has been a hard year, but you’re a new teacher, and many new teachers struggle with frequent illness. And your health is better than it was at other times this year, so let's be patient. This summer, you will get to rest without the stresses of teaching and your body will recover and regain its strength.

God, I just want you to know that I trust you and will submit to whatever you continue to allow in my life. I wish this cup would pass, but let Your will be done, not mine.

Burn Out Bright

I just finished a movie about the life and work of Mother Teresa. I was home sick again today from school, and I’ve been discouraged for the greater part of the last year of watching my health decline repeatedly. I don’t know what I fear most, but I know I need not fear anything, for I can and should always trust that God’s way is best. Whatever he allows to happen in my life, I have to believe it is best. I am his daughter.

God, I fear not making it through even a semester of medical school with my body, heart and mind in such a poor state. I fear not being the teammate that I desire to be for my dear, wonderful husband. I fear my life being useless when I reach the end of it. I want to burn out bright while serving others as Mother Teresa did. But I know your plan for me is unique to who you’ve made me to be. I want to be in your will because that's why I'm alive.

I’ve been thinking about my health a lot lately, wondering why I’ve dealt with so many infirmities. I was encouraged by the passage in John 9:1-12 when Jesus’ disciples ask him why a certain man was blind—was it he who sinned or his parents? Jesus answered with this, “Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.” I don’t know why my body has been so susceptible to illness this year, but I pray that God’s work may be displayed in my life through it all. I know one thng for sure: It has drawn me closer to the Kingdom of God as I have tasted poorness of spirit, much mourning, and a desperate desire for peace in my restless heart.

Less than 6 weeks of teaching remaining. Only 4 months till med school classes begin and the dream you’ve placed in my heart finally begins to unfold—the dream of learning medicine and serving the ones no one serves. I know I cannot do it in my strength. Lord, I am leaning totally on you.

I praise you that David is one of three finalists for the CMDA Steury Scholarship. I pray that if it is your will for us to go directly to the mission field after school, that he would get that scholarship. If not, I know you will lead us to what is best. Thank you for loving me and for calling me your masterpiece. Lately, I don't feel as if that is true about me, but you promise me it is. So, I trust you.

Help me submit to you in the midst of suffering. I need your grace. I just want to be well. But I know that you know that and could make it happen if you desired. Instead, all I can plead is that you teach me something about compassion and mercy during these times of weakness and despair. Waist not one hard moment. Teach me something deeper about yourself, and let me be satisfied in that.