From Maiden to Mother

Autumn is in the air, pushing back the summer heat and making way for  the turning of leaves. When I feel the breeze, the air even smells like soccer season and trail running. Fall is when I feel most myself.

I haven’t blogged in eight months. I’ve been too busy wrestling with life in ways that I couldn’t put down on paper. I was asked by God to make the noble but difficult transition from maidenhood to motherhood before I was ready to do so. Becoming a mother isn’t easy for anyone, so I hear. But the hardness of the transformation varies immensely from woman to woman, and I think it’d be quite a travesty if I didn’t share my experience with the world. Perhaps, even the darkest shades of my storm will encourage someone and make them feel less estranged. And maybe, just maybe, the ways God has used my journey to better who I am will strengthen others to realize that God isn’t in the business of allowing pain in vain.

My baby Blake will turn one this October. That means I’ve been a mom for almost a year. 11 months into the game now, it is my new normal and even though it still has its challenges, being a mom brings me great joy, but it has taken a while to get to that place.

At my shower, a friend gifted me with a tote bag that read, “Mommy, established 2012.” It makes me laugh every time I use it because it’s so true. By the grace of God, my body successfully carried and helped create a human being for nine and a half months. My pregnancy had its challenges, as all pregnancies do. I have suffered from migraines for most of my adult life, but during pregnancy, I couldn’t take the medications that relieve them. I labored for 36 long, miserably painful and exhausting hours to bring my son into the world. I’m an endurance athlete--a runner to my core--but that was by far the furthest I’ve ever had to push myself, and it left me completely empty. And, as any seasoned mother knows all too well, the healing period begins at the same time that your body is forced to sleep very little in order to nourish an infant who is fully dependent on you for nutrition. My perineum was torn, my breasts were swollen and achy, and I had no idea what I was doing. “Mommy, established 2012…”

Breast feeding didn’t work out for Blake and me. This is the first time that I’ve shared that sentence without feeling guilt and sadness. I want to say to all the moms out there who suffer from post-partum depression that you are heroes in my eyes for just finding the strength to do the next thing needed for your child day by day feeling the way you do. The depression I experienced began only days after Blake’s birth, and it was relentless. I couldn’t sleep when my baby was sleeping because of anxiety and panic attacks. I cried all the time and found it impossible to bond with my sweet boy. Blake and I went to lactation consultants and had friends and family offer advice and assistance, but we could not make it work, so I bottle fed him with breast milk that I pumped for 3 ½ months. My supply was very low, probably due to stress, so eventually, when I couldn’t keep up with him anymore, I went to formula. I felt like a failure. But now, I am proud of myself for trying as hard as I did under the circumstances I was facing.  

The next major challenge of motherhood for me was to take on the responsibility of staying at home with Blake full-time. I know people who have always dreamed of having children and being stay-at-home moms, but that has simply never been me. I had planned to be in Physician Assistant School in fall of 2012, but instead, I was in Mom School 101. I’d never cared for children before, and learning to do so by trial and error was very overwhelming. My family lived hours away, and my husband was in the middle of time-consuming medical rotations. My mind was always spinning with sleep and feeding schedules, void and excrement charting, trying to answer Blake's cries the right way, checking to make sure he was breathing every hour he slept, caring for him when he was sick…I was an amateur at all things “baby.” And just when I’d finally feel like I had some normalcy, he’d reach a new developmental stage and everything would change.

One of the hardest things about transitioning to motherhood was trying to communicate my struggles and emotions without being misunderstood as one who does not love or appreciate my child. I cannot tell you what a dagger that has been. But I am learning that an imperative choice you have to make as a new mom is to stop listening to what everyone else says because they don’t know you or your child like God does. God knows I love Blake more than life and that I am certainly doing the best I can, and he is teaching me to extend grace to those who say things that simply do not help and to reach out to new moms and be a voice of honesty. I’ve made countless mistakes as I strive to love Blake well, but parenting is a learning process like everything else in life, and I can rest in knowing that the Lord will provide and at the end of the day, only His love for me defines me, not how good of a mom I am. The truth be known, motherhood can be idol like anything else can if we are not careful.

My struggles with adjusting to parenthood are what they are, but none of it is Blake's fault. Blake is my miracle, my undeserved gift from God. From birth, he’s been animated and active like no baby I’ve ever seen. He has a strong-will that is determined to do what he wants to do when he wants to do it. He hates any form of restriction, from being swaddled, to Moby wraps, to being strapped into his stroller or car seat, or being told the word, “No.” He is stubborn, like me, but I know that God will use it. He was born to lead and not follow. His fiery red, curly hair, bright blue eyes, and warm smile add goodness to the lives of everyone he is around. He is a fighter, but I know God will teach him to channel it into fighting for what matters, especially Truth. He’s my little guy. And even though it’s been a hard transformation, I am his mother, he knows I love him, and I cannot imagine my life without him. 

I want to end by saying that I plan to be a mom who works outside of the home once I get the opportunity to finish my medical training. Why? Because I trust God to use more people than just me to make Blake into the man he created him to be, and I know that God gave me my talents and passion for medicine and healing for a reason. As hard as it’s been, I am glad to have this season of life to stay home with Blake because it has helped me learn him and has taught me what it means to truly sacrifice myself constantly for someone else. Taking a shower, sitting down for a meal, a good conversation, a quiet time with God, exercising without lugging around a running stroller…they are all luxuries to me now because Blake’s needs come first. Loving him has cost me a lot, but that is the type of love that Jesus has for his children, and life is all about becoming more like Him.

I thank God for giving me the privilege of being Blake’s mom. He chose me to be the one he calls “Mommy,” and that is not a title I take lightly. But I am also more than Blake’s mom. I am a daughter, a granddaughter, a sister, a wife, and a friend. I’m an athlete, a writer, a chocolate and coffee-lover, and I have dreams, passions and talents I plan to share with the world. Most of all, I am God’s unique creation. I do not fit into any mold but his, and I trust that He will teach me all I need to know about Blake and how to love him well through all the seasons of life to come. I am like no other mom; no other mom is like me. But I am the perfect mom for Blake.

Thank you God for bringing me through all the hardships that accompanied my pregnancy, my delivery, my post-partum period, and the months that followed as I transitioned from being a maiden to a mother. It was not my timing nor my finest hours, but you are using every struggle to refine me, and not only that...you orchestrated it all to BLESS me. Give me wisdom as I seek to love and teach Blake alongside David in a way that glorifies you, and thank you for being a God who wants my honesty more than my performance because you specialize in working on the heart. I entrust Blake to you today because he is yours more than he is mine.

I love you, Blake. Thank you for your patience, your grace, and for all that you've taught me the last elevens months. I look forward to all you'll teach me in the future.

Remember God

As I write this, I’m enjoying the beautiful sunshine of AL, the comforts of my home of origin with all its fun and familiarity, and the blessing of having so many loving hands to help with Blake. My apartment in Blacksburg, VA, is without power and water due to the snow storm, and I am glad to have a warm place to take refuge. But someone very important is missing, and that's David. He is working night shift in the emergency room in Wytheville, and living in VCOM housing for the weekend. The verse in Ecclesiastes comes to mind, “What does a man get for all the toil and anxious striving with which he labors under the sun? All his days his work is pain and grief—even at night, his mind does not rest.” I can see the fatigue brought on by 3 yrs of medical school on his face. It’s not just the demands and stress of his training that is burdensome, but not being able to provide for Blake and me. I’m so glad that we are almost at the end of that tunnel. Just a year and a half, and he’ll be getting a pay check, however small it may be. I look forward to that, not just for security, but to see my hard-working husband get the compensation he deserves.

This season of medical school has been harder on me than I ever expected. The combination of my parents divorcing, being sick for several years, having to put aside everything to heal and get back on my feet and refocus, only to be blindsided by a surprise pregnancy, have my body wrecked to bring him forth, and then all the postpartum difficulties…God knows it’s been a hard 3-4 years. So often, I wish I could edit some of the painful parts of my story. But I have hope that there are better years to come—for our marriage and our family--and I still have hope that God will bring good from all the bad. I often think, "If we made it through all that, we can make it through what’s next," as much as I wish there were no more hard things coming.

One thing I have learned the past few years is that everyone struggles. All people have troubles—believers and nonbelievers alike—and it is foolish to wish to have someone else’s life. We are all broken. We all have a reason to put the past away and hope for better days. We all have to face down our demons, although, we all struggle with different things. Everyone shares the same fate. And “time and chance” happen to us all. King Solomon of old warned us that it is not wise to say, “Why were the old days better than these?” It is not wise to say these things because one, those days are not as good as you remember them to be, and two, it is impossible to go back. All we have is the present. It is better--as Solomon found out the hard way--to eat, drink, and be glad in all things so that joy will accompany you in your work all the days of life God has given you under the sun.

Solomon, wise with age and life experience, urged us to “remember your Creator in the days of your youth before the days of trouble come and the years approach when you will say ‘I find no pleasure in them.’” I understand this advice now. I understand, now that the days of my youth are closing and the days of trouble have come and continue to come. “Remember God,” I say to my downcast soul. Remember that your spirit will return to Him and you will have peace. Do not lose sight of him, oh my soul, even though you see him through a glass dimly and hardly understand his ways. Remember him, for to whom else shall you go? Life is too hard to have no where outside of yourself and the aid of others to turn to. 

My son Blake is so much like his father...like the way he HAS to pay attention to everything around him. He just can’t miss a thing. No time to sleep when there’s things to look at, listen to, and be a part of! And his serious expressions, oh, so David. He studies everything and everyone with a look that is so identical to a look David has when he's in study mode. So much to observe—a whole world to explore. He brings such joy to my life. It makes me sad to think about him having to face the sorrows of this world and the temptations his flesh will afford, but what can I hope for him more as his mother than for his life to be God’s? I want to protect him from all pain. I want him to have no hardships. I want only happiness for him, and never disappointment. But he is not mine. He is God’s. So God help me to trust you with him, for in reality, even my best efforts at love fall extremely short of your care for Blake. Help me to resist the urge to always rescue him from pain, and help me help him find You faithful in it so that he can have peace with you no matter what comes. May Blake know you better than I do, Lord. May I learn to find satisfaction in my work during all seasons and find my enjoyment in You, God, and the things you give so that Blake can learn these things from my life.

I went for a walk with my cocker spaniel Mocha today just to think. I feel like all I do the last few months is think, analyze, pray, acquire information and opinions, and think some more. I would say all I think about is “to go to PA school, or not to go to PA school…’tis the question!” But that’s not really true. Ever since Blake was born, I just think about everything. I think about my life—I remember the past, try to make sense of the present, and wonder about the future. I think about my parents, my education, my experiences and relationships and how those things have shaped me into who I am today, for better and for worse. I think about my mortality, the fleetingness of life on this earth, and how hard it is to grow up. I think about God, who he is and who is not, who I wish he was and who I wish I was. And I think about the bitter-sweetness of the human experience. But as Solomon wrote centuries ago, “When times are good, be happy. But when times are bad, consider: God has made the one as well as the other.” 

I sigh under the weight of the realization that I don’t have nearly the control over my life that I once thought I did, and I am faced with the reality that the only one who is in control is God. That is supposed to bring me comfort and peace since he is all-good and all-loving, but the pain, suffering, and wickedness that he allows in the lives of his children makes trusting him a bit hard for me. I grew up with a father who would do ANYTHING to rescue me from pain. Even now, there is no limit to his love in action for his only daughter. But God doesn’t seem to be as interested in rescuing me from the pains of this life. He seems way more concerned about using all things to make me holy, to bring himself glory, and to detach me from this world and reattach me to him. But most of the time, especially when I’m hurting, I want God to be more the rescuing type.

I still often wonder where God was in the darkness of my seasons of depression and panic. I’ve never felt so alone, so hopeless. I can relate to King David in the psalms when he says his eyes were worn out from tears and his bones ached with sorrow from searching for his God. When it all comes down to it, that’s why I fear going overseas to do mission work in the future. I picture going somewhere, and giving up everything here to do so, and then I fear God withdrawing his presence, and I never want to experience that darkness again. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to blame God for all the hard things in my life or in the lives of others. I just don’t understand how he works. I have a hard time having a conversation with God when I can’t see him or hear him. I have a hard time following the Spirit’s lead when there are so many voices and I have so many vices. Most of the time, I just feel like a failure in life. I don’t feel that way just because life hasn’t turned out like I had hoped for or planned. I feel the weight of my sinfulness and inability to love well. I guess I struggle to rest in God’s grace and to accept myself with all my flaws. It’s tiring to be so introspective and so constantly aware of my sin. So, if you are a person of prayer, and if you ever think to pray for me, pray that I will rest in the grace and love of Jesus. 

When I’m resting in those things, as rare as those moments have been for me, I am at peace, and it’s a peace that no circumstance can thwart. Oh, peace. As I get older, peace is the most desired virtue. No money in the world can buy it. No situation or success can warrant it. Only peace that is given by the Spirit of God himself is true peace. That peace, for me, is when all striving ceases, my imperfectionism in all areas doesn’t matter, and I feel free. Perhaps that’s the closest taste of heaven I can know this side of Glory. Out of that peace, I best love others. Out of that peace, I best serve God. Oh, that blessed peace that Paul says surpasses all understanding. Remember God, I say to myself. Remember God, and find rest.