I haven’t blogged in eight months. I’ve been too busy wrestling
with life in ways that I couldn’t put down on paper. I was asked by God to make
the noble but difficult transition from maidenhood to motherhood before I was ready to do so.
Becoming a mother isn’t easy for anyone, so I hear. But the hardness of the
transformation varies immensely from woman to woman, and I think it’d be quite
a travesty if I didn’t share my experience with the world. Perhaps, even the
darkest shades of my storm will encourage someone and make them feel less
estranged. And maybe, just maybe, the ways God has used my journey to better
who I am will strengthen others to realize that God isn’t in the business of
allowing pain in vain.
At my shower, a friend gifted me with a tote bag that read,
“Mommy, established 2012.” It makes me laugh every time I use it because it’s
so true. By the grace of God, my body successfully carried and helped create a
human being for nine and a half months. My pregnancy had its challenges, as all
pregnancies do. I have suffered from migraines for most of my adult life, but
during pregnancy, I couldn’t take the medications that relieve them. I labored
for 36 long, miserably painful and exhausting hours to bring my son into the
world. I’m an endurance athlete--a runner to my core--but that was by far the
furthest I’ve ever had to push myself, and it left me completely empty. And, as
any seasoned mother knows all too well, the healing period begins at the same
time that your body is forced to sleep very little in order to nourish an
infant who is fully dependent on you for nutrition. My perineum was torn, my
breasts were swollen and achy, and I had no idea what I was doing. “Mommy,
established 2012…”
Breast feeding didn’t work out for Blake and me. This is the
first time that I’ve shared that sentence without feeling guilt and sadness. I
want to say to all the moms out there who suffer from post-partum depression
that you are heroes in my eyes for just finding the strength to do the next
thing needed for your child day by day feeling the way you do. The depression I
experienced began only days after Blake’s birth, and it was relentless. I couldn’t
sleep when my baby was sleeping because of anxiety and panic attacks. I cried
all the time and found it impossible to bond with my sweet boy. Blake and I
went to lactation consultants and had friends and family offer advice and
assistance, but we could not make it work, so I bottle fed him with breast milk
that I pumped for 3 ½ months. My supply was very low, probably due to stress,
so eventually, when I couldn’t keep up with him anymore, I went to formula. I
felt like a failure. But now, I am proud of myself for trying as hard as I did
under the circumstances I was facing. 
The next major challenge of motherhood for me was to take on
the responsibility of staying at home with Blake full-time. I know
people who have always dreamed of having children and being stay-at-home moms,
but that has simply never been me. I had planned to be in Physician Assistant School
in fall of 2012, but instead, I was in Mom School 101. I’d never cared for
children before, and learning to do so by trial and error was very
overwhelming. My family lived hours away, and my husband was in the middle of time-consuming medical rotations. My mind was always spinning with sleep and feeding
schedules, void and excrement charting, trying to answer Blake's cries the right
way, checking to make sure he was breathing every hour he slept, caring for him
when he was sick…I was an amateur at all things “baby.” And just when I’d
finally feel like I had some normalcy, he’d reach a new developmental stage and
everything would change.
One of the hardest things about transitioning to motherhood
was trying to communicate my struggles and emotions without being
misunderstood as one who does not love or appreciate my child. I cannot tell
you what a dagger that has been. But I am learning that an imperative choice
you have to make as a new mom is to stop listening to what everyone else says
because they don’t know you or your child like God does. God knows I love Blake
more than life and that I am certainly doing the best I can, and he is teaching
me to extend grace to those who say things that simply do not help and to reach
out to new moms and be a voice of honesty. I’ve made countless mistakes as I
strive to love Blake well, but parenting is a learning process like everything
else in life, and I can rest in knowing that the Lord will provide and at the
end of the day, only His love for me defines me, not how good of a mom I am. The truth be known, motherhood can be idol like anything else can if we are not careful.
My struggles with adjusting to parenthood are what they are, but none of it is Blake's fault. Blake is my miracle, my undeserved gift from God. From
birth, he’s been animated and active like no baby I’ve ever seen. He has a
strong-will that is determined to do what he
wants to do when he wants to do it.
He hates any form of restriction, from being swaddled, to Moby wraps, to being
strapped into his stroller or car seat, or being told the word, “No.” He is
stubborn, like me, but I know that God will use it. He was born to lead and not
follow. His fiery red, curly hair, bright blue eyes, and warm smile add goodness
to the lives of everyone he is around. He is a fighter, but I know God will
teach him to channel it into fighting for what matters, especially Truth. He’s
my little guy. And even though it’s been a hard transformation, I am his
mother, he knows I love him, and I cannot imagine my life without him.
I want to end by saying that I plan to be a mom who works outside of the home once I get
the opportunity to finish my medical training. Why? Because I trust God to use
more people than just me to make Blake into the man he created him to be, and I
know that God gave me my talents and passion for medicine and healing for a
reason. As hard as it’s been, I am glad to have this season of life to stay
home with Blake because it has helped me learn him and has taught me what it
means to truly sacrifice myself constantly for someone else. Taking a shower, sitting
down for a meal, a good conversation, a quiet time with God, exercising without
lugging around a running stroller…they are all luxuries to me now because
Blake’s needs come first. Loving him has cost me a lot, but that is the type of
love that Jesus has for his children, and life is all about becoming more like
Him.
I thank God for giving me the privilege of being Blake’s
mom. He chose me to be the one he calls “Mommy,” and that is not a title I take
lightly. But I am also more than Blake’s mom. I am a daughter, a granddaughter,
a sister, a wife, and a friend. I’m an athlete, a writer, a chocolate and coffee-lover, and I have dreams, passions and talents I plan to share with the world. Most of all, I am God’s unique creation. I do not fit into any mold but his,
and I trust that He will teach me all I need to know about Blake and how to
love him well through all the seasons of life to come. I am like no other mom;
no other mom is like me. But I am the perfect mom for Blake. 
Thank you God for bringing me through all the hardships that accompanied my pregnancy, my delivery, my post-partum period, and the months that followed as I transitioned from being a maiden to a mother. It was not my timing nor my finest hours, but you are using every struggle to refine me, and not only that...you orchestrated it all to BLESS me. Give me wisdom as I seek to love and teach Blake alongside David in a way that glorifies you, and thank you for being a God who wants my honesty more than my performance because you specialize in working on the heart. I entrust Blake to you today because he is yours more than he is mine.
I love you, Blake. Thank you for your patience, your grace, and for all that you've taught me the last elevens months. I look forward to all you'll teach me in the future.
